This can Suck at times!!!

This has been some crazy Year!!!

We have had much happen since the last time I posted. It has been a very very long time. We have had to deal with things that all people have to deal with, there has just been so much of it.

One of our very good friends the husband, by a crazy fluke accident found out he has Multiple Myeloma, his wife of course is beside herself as we all are. This man is one of the fittest men I have ever known in my life. He didn’t even know he was ill until they told him, once they told him, he was in critical condition, he now a year later is in remission thank God.

Another good friend who is really like family lost their nephew to leukemia. He has fought this battle for three years, and leaves a beautiful wife & very young son.

My good friend lost her husband suddenly with no warning, he leaves behind two sons and a devastated wife.  

There has been so much loss & sadness. Those were just a few. Some are just to hard to even speak of. There have also been some Good times during all of this, actually Wonderful times have happened.

Our Princess worked her tail off & is now a College Graduate she actually starts her first “Big Girl” job tomorrow. We could not be prouder.

Our Angel received a beautiful surprise Proposal & she said Yes! We couldn’t be happier. Wedding plans are going well. No Bridezilla yet.

Lee began a new job, after leaving his job of 15+ years. So MUCH has been going on. I wonder how in the world do people stay focused?? Maybe it is just me, him, us. It just seems we can get through something and then a week or a month later everything seems to be just a mess, or maybe I am the only mess.

I know I have an Amazing husband, I also know he is not Perfect nor am I. I just wish at times we could stay on the same road for more than a little while. I must be asking for toooo much, I am the one that brought DD to us. I did not bring the Ds but he did and damnit if I didn’t LOVE it, who knew?? LOL

I am really not LOL, I feel sometimes like I am in a storm and just not a rain storm, I am thinking a CAT 5 hurricane. I am choosing to try my best to focus more on “other” things to keep my mind off what I feel I am missing. We talk, he is attentive, he is not some horrible negligent husband, maybe I am just wanting to much. I probably am, I just need to realize that & get over it. It just seems hard to do for me, I guess once you get a taste of what could be Great, you don’t want to be without it. UGH We are busy, we have had much to deal with the past year heck we have had much to deal with the past week. I just need to realize, this too will pass and we will be stronger for it. I just am not feeling very strong this evening. Okay rant and pity party over; tonight anyway, I am getting sleepy. I need to sleep.

Everybody Plays the Fool!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAuAi1rmk5UDamn I love this Man! He seems to LOVE me to the core!  I am his BiGGEST Cheerleader! Some days are not as easy as others!!!!

ON & OFF

I made the comment we still have our days of “Off & On”. The response from someone just beginning DD was how discouraging that was to hear and they would hope, at least ideally, that at some point it becomes who you are as a couple. I immediately let the person know it is just how we are, that some couples (I know maybe a handful) are always “On” in their dynamic and it is the way they are all of the time. We are just not like that. 

I guess what I was trying to say is I as well as Lee can let things go or slide or not even really think much about it. There have been many times the last many months where something has “distracted” us from our lifestyle. Death has happened a couple of times, and ATM we are dealing with a health situation of someone that is of the utmost importance to us. Basically, for us that means, if I don’t keep my end of the bargain with the goals/rules we have agreed on; he doesn’t necessarily follow through on his end or mine for that matter lol; nothing happens. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t notice, it doesn’t mean I do not care. I believe it means there are much more important things going on that need our attention.  He might mention, I have noticed ________ & _________. I understand you or we are both under a lot of stress right now, etc. He has let many things go that have to do with goals/rules. 

I understand why and I understand that he can also be worried & stressed like I am. I do think being an HOH is a “tough” position to be in. I certainly wouldn’t want the position. (well maybe I do a few times a year) lol.

I do know for us, our goals/rules are not about me getting tasks completed. They are not about respect, that is a given in our relationship, we treat one another with respect. I when stressed at times can come across as a bit “short” with my words, or snarky. It is something I really try not to ever direct at him but it has happened. 

He gets me, I get him. We understand one another & how we are both feeling. Some of the time, we need to both forget the goals/rules for a bit because there is something much more pressing that needs our attention. We do not usually talk about this, it usually just happens on its own. We do not usually say “Hey, the goals/rules are off the table right now”. It does not mean that we pay less attention to one another & the needs we both have. It doesn’t mean the silent treatment, it doesn’t mean ignore. It does mean we are there for one another whether talking at length about the situation, or holding one another. It means I share my fears, he shares his (he also has them, he also worries at times). He is an HOH, he is not Super Human. I am sure he needs my support & love just as much as I need his. It means that whatever the “important” issue is at the time has our focus and we both will do what ever needs to be done to help the situation, or give it our best shot.

The health issue we are dealing with is not over. There is not much we can really do until the next doctors appointment. I did send Lee an email it was a short one, not mean, not ugly, just short. Basically, saying Hey I know we are both dealing with this the best we can together. I am feeling way “off” and I realize we have been for a while. How do you feel? Of course his response is on the phone, the man never can simply email me back! He states he was planning on bringing this up tonight. I am thinking…. Really???? If so why I am I the one that brought it to your attention first? He says I did nothing to bring it to his attention. He was already planning on speaking about this tonight. Who knows?

Us being OFF doesn’t mean we don’t have one another, it doesn’t mean He is not HOH, it doesn’t mean I am all of a sudden the one in charge. It means basically he isn’t sp***ing my a$$ for not following through on our goals/rules. It means there is something going on that is very important & can be worrisome, and well scary that is more important than if I am eating right or drinking enough water. I believe for my or OUR relationship the support & love we give one another is much more important than goals/rules in our dynamic, the love is the core of our relationship. The dynamic is the icing on the cake.

So yes Our DD can some of the time have the Off & On times. I am okay with that, well until I am not LOL. (then I send a short lil email).

Real or Fake??

Why is it I am so suspicious? I know I have met people before that have been not at all who they claimed to be. I have never understood why someone would pretend to be someone or something they are not.

I am mostly talking about when “chatting” with someone. I understand chatting and getting to know others through chat. I have been fortunate to meet other couples. What I do not understand is why would someone pretend? I just am baffled why someone would not be true to themselves. I mean if you want to pretend to be in a DD or D/s relationship that seems rather pathetic to me. Why not be who you truly are or be honest especially when chatting with others? What do you gain from it?

Most people I chat with could care less if someone is in a relationship that is the same as theirs, every relationship is different anyway.  We all do things different, as we should. We know what works for our relationship, others do not.

It seems to me lately, some of the folks just come in to hear a sp****** story, or to say something for Shock Value. Some come in under many different names. Why? What is it that they are looking for?

When I first came to chat the people that were in there were so helpful to me. I was not in a DD or D/s relationship when I first came in. I asked so many questions, and everyone was so helpful. I am sure I drove some crazy with all of the questions I asked.

I am no expert at DD or D/s I do not pretend to be. Even after three years Off & On I still ask questions. Asking someone’s opinion on something doesn’t mean Lee or I have to take their advice, but I do think it can make interesting and sometimes helpful conversation. In the process of us or anyone asking a question it can lead to something someone else could be thinking about or having difficulty with.

I have recently read a few blogs I had never read before. I used to read blogs all of the time. I certainly miss some of the ones that are no longer out there. When reading these blogs I might agree or disagree with what the author says. When I say disagree I mean for our relationship Not theirs. I am surprised by some of the Blogs that seem to be a Do it this way, or You Must do this…. I am shocked when it doesn’t start off with “This worked for us” or “We tried this it really helped or was a Huge Fail”. When someone has the audacity to tell you exactly what you should be doing, that is a big RED flag for me. There is not a one size fits all DD or D/s Manual! You should not follow what someone writes because it could lead you astray from the dynamic that works best for you in your relationship. Just remember what fits their dynamic does not necessarily fit yours or mine. Helpful hints, people talking or blogging about their own experiences and the results whether beneficial or not I love. The ones that appear to think they are experts I will stay clear of. I am actually suspicious of them. LOL

Authenticity (not my word) is so important to me it seems to be quite rare these days. Such a shame. Just remember you know your own dynamic and what is best for your relationship. Ok my little rant is over. Can you tell I really need a Vacation!!!!!  LOL

Appreciating the Differences

Have you ever noticed some Blogs you seem to relate to more than others? I have not read blogs for quite a while. I mean I have a few that I do read, but I used to read so very many of them. There were of course some that I enjoyed much more than others.

I think at the start of DD I read Blogs because I enjoyed reading about other DD relationships and I could relate to many of the authors. Most of the blogs I read no longer exist, I am wondering if it is because they no longer needed them, or maybe they were worried about their anonymity. Maybe they just started living their DD or D/s life and needed not to talk about it because it became truly exactly what they needed/wanted. I do miss some of those Blogs. I appreciated all of the Blogs I read when we were starting out they did help me understand that I was Not totally Crazy.

There are Blogs that have changed over time as they changed in their dynamic, the Blogs took a turn as they should, growth in the relationship would reflect that in the writing.

My Blog really has been more of a diary for me, to look back at where we came from, or to see how far we have or have not grown. I rarely write on my Blog. It is not that I really don’t have the time I write in my personal diary more often though.

I have found some Blogs to have almost a fictitious feel to them, for me anyway. Almost like a story possibly a fantasy. In my experience with being you know kinda, sorta, somewhat NEW the fairy tale stories are Fun to read and I enjoy them some of the time. I actually prefer my books to be more fantasy and blogs I enjoy are the ones that show the good times as well as the bad times. I find those to be more of what I relate to.

The friends I speak with all go through many many tough times, in this dynamic. I find when talking many of us have the same issues I am not sure that is the correct word, but I find that we have many of the same or similar thoughts, the same worries, the same frustrations. I also find we have the same or similar joyful feeling when things are going Great. 

For me it is important to realize this dynamic isn’t all me (future post) nor is it all about Lee being tuned in to me, my ever single thought, need, or always being in HOH/Dom mode. It isn’t Sp******’s and some Hot Knight in Shining Armor grabbing me up and throwing me on the bed sp****** my a$$ and then making mad passionate love. That sounded all great but in reality my reality that can happen but it is so much more than that. There are many tough times, there are many times when I feel unsure, when I feel almost lost inside my head with thoughts, questions and concerns. That to me is my normal it is not always a BED of ROSES, paddles, implements, toys, rope, restraints, or feeling that Uh Oh feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I know for me the Blogs that I can relate to are usually ones that show things are not always Perfect. Since beginning this lifestyle I have cried more in the last three years than I did in our entire marriage. I have been frustrated, I have been mad, I have also had the Best three years in my life. That makes no sense at all, but it is true. I just know for me to read especially when first researching and beginning DD, I had some wonderful Blogs that really helped me to understand different aspects, perspectives, and how every single relationship is different and based on what each relationship needs/wants. I wish some of the "newer" people had those to read.

We all have our own preferences in reading Blogs, whether they are the Adventurous, the Boastful, the Confused, the Demanding, the Expert, the Fantasy, the Friend, the Funny, the Grateful, the Helpful, the Informative, the Judgmental, the Kinky, the Long winded, the Masochist, the Needy, the Obedient, the Passionate, the Player, the Quick Witted, the Rebel, the Seductive, the Sexual, the Sp******, the Thoughtful, the Unique, the Vulnerable, the Wicked, the Yielding, the Zestful and so many more.  We each have our own favorites I think maybe that depends on where you are at that moment in your relationship, I guess it is ever changing.

FRAUD!

I feel a bit different today in writing this. For those of you that are just beginning never think this lifestyle is a bed of ROSES! It is not. BTW I am not fond of roses. Lol

The envelopes that Lee left me really truly helped me to feel closer while he was away.

There was a PROBLEM though he was not nearly as engaged as I was. We all have our moments to be disengaged for one reason or another. His was pretty well… Shocking.

I have always felt loved, cherished, and adored, not so much right now. I do know the man is as human as I am, with that we all make mistakes we all F*** up! Some much worse than others.

All I am saying is Do not ever put anyone on a Pedestal ever, you might just be shocked at how they should not be on that pedestal at all. You in your mind put them there, they did not ask to be put there.

I do love my DD people so much!!!

And The Envelope Please…

 It has been quite a long time since I have written on my blog. I am thinking that is a “Good” thing. Maybe it just means things are just going along quite nicely. WRONG! Lol.

Actually things have been quite well, we have managed for the most part to stay on course well lately we have. We like most everyone else I speak with have our ups & downs, on & offs. We deal with those “real life” situations like everyone else.

Lee is traveling for work and has been away 20 days, only one more to go! This trip seems to have went by quicker than the previous ones. I think mostly because I have been a bit busier, and on the weekends I have had something to do for two out of the three. I have my DD friends who have been great about checking in with me, sending me funny messages, texts and phone calls, you guys have no idea how much easier you make it when he is away so long. You are the most amazing Support Group! Thank you!

This time in his travels away, I felt Lee was a bit more engaged while he was away. Before he left, he had I guess I would call it a list of things he wanted me to do or work on while he was away. These were not all tasks some were FUN things he wanted me to do while he was away. We discussed them, well he discussed, I listened. He knows me, I get Bored very easily, and then when I get bored it is not always a Good thing. I can let my mind wander and go to places it really has no place going.

One of the things Lee did different on this trip was he left me seven sealed envelopes. He instructed me to not open any of them until the week before he arrived home. I have to say I have Surprised myself as I have only opened one of them before I should have!

I had no idea what was inside the envelopes, I just know it is a request/order of something he wants me to do. I really kinda find it exciting! I also feel how damn thoughtful. I know it is something so simple, but it just meant to me… he is really trying to let me feel his presence while 8000 miles away.

I opened Envelope #1- (they are in no particular order he said, but they are numbered???) I did open this one actually the night before I should have. Talk about disappointment, the request/order was to make sure there were clean sheets on the bed when he arrived home. REALLY??? I mean I have always done that, always! OK well maybe that is kinda Payback for opening the envelope earlier than I should have. KARMA

Envelope #2-WOW this one is a bit different! There were explicit instructions, on me planning a meal for his arrival, what I am to be wearing, how my hair is to be styled, and the candles are to be lit. (I wonder does planning mean cooking? I am sure it doesn’t otherwise he would have said cook a meal) lol!

Envelope #3-This request/order was again kinda like envelope #1 something I would do anyway, it is a bit of pampering myself, that is always nice, nothing like a good mani/pedi and well one other thing that I chose to do on my own at the start of this but it seems like it is something he likes very much now. It isn’t the same relaxing feeling as a mani/pedi but the results are sooo worth it IMO, must be his opinion also. He then goes on to tell me a few things that will happen the night he arrives home! (He will be exhausted, I know this man)

Envelope #4-UGH! I am not sure I will be able to complete this one before he arrives home. Send him an email about what my wildest dreams or an experience I think about. He wants Details! That can be kinda sexy and at the same time a lil unnerving for me anyway, heck maybe for him also. If he only knew, Lol

Envelope #5-Surprised! I am really surprised about this one, it is a bit much to talk about, it has to do with well “FUN” stuff but something I have not done before without him. He even gives a specific time to do this.

Envelope #6-Shocked! No way can I do this at work! I don’t even have enough experience with this to feel comfortable with it. I think we have used this once maybe twice and that didn’t really work out very well. I must talk to him about this, I just can’t. It sounds like it could be FUN but more Fun at home and with him, I will need to talk about this with him. He agreed that I can wait until he is home and he is more than Happy to assist me!

Envelope #7-L Wear my hair up at work all day!!! UGH, I know he loves my hair up, I do not like my hair up, but being kinda sorta somewhat an almost Perfect tih I certainly will honor his request/order.

Basically the way this envelope thing as simple as it is. The result made me really feel him near me, making his requests/orders. I believe it made me know how much thought he put into this. I know these are simple or things that most people would find silly or not necessary, but for me it meant he took the time to think this out, made the effort, and try really hard to keep us connected when so far apart from one another.

I realized that even with the simplest basic requests/orders he by doing this made me feel “special”. Now don’t get me wrong he has always made me feel pretty special, loved, & cherished. Maybe the word would be engaged, it can be very difficult for me to feel his presence when we are away from one another for so long.

 Now it has me thinking… What can I do for him to let him know how special he is to me, how I love, appreciate & cherish him. I believe it is just as important to let your HOH know what they mean to you. They shouldn’t just be “doing” for you, that seems quite selfish and rather unfulfilling for the HOH IMO. It Makes me want to step up a bit more, and let him have these same wonderful feelings I do. It really meant more to me than I realized. Thank You Lee!