This can Suck at times!!!

This has been some crazy Year!!!

We have had much happen since the last time I posted. It has been a very very long time. We have had to deal with things that all people have to deal with, there has just been so much of it.

One of our very good friends the husband, by a crazy fluke accident found out he has Multiple Myeloma, his wife of course is beside herself as we all are. This man is one of the fittest men I have ever known in my life. He didn’t even know he was ill until they told him, once they told him, he was in critical condition, he now a year later is in remission thank God.

Another good friend who is really like family lost their nephew to leukemia. He has fought this battle for three years, and leaves a beautiful wife & very young son.

My good friend lost her husband suddenly with no warning, he leaves behind two sons and a devastated wife.  

There has been so much loss & sadness. Those were just a few. Some are just to hard to even speak of. There have also been some Good times during all of this, actually Wonderful times have happened.

Our Princess worked her tail off & is now a College Graduate she actually starts her first “Big Girl” job tomorrow. We could not be prouder.

Our Angel received a beautiful surprise Proposal & she said Yes! We couldn’t be happier. Wedding plans are going well. No Bridezilla yet.

Lee began a new job, after leaving his job of 15+ years. So MUCH has been going on. I wonder how in the world do people stay focused?? Maybe it is just me, him, us. It just seems we can get through something and then a week or a month later everything seems to be just a mess, or maybe I am the only mess.

I know I have an Amazing husband, I also know he is not Perfect nor am I. I just wish at times we could stay on the same road for more than a little while. I must be asking for toooo much, I am the one that brought DD to us. I did not bring the Ds but he did and damnit if I didn’t LOVE it, who knew?? LOL

I am really not LOL, I feel sometimes like I am in a storm and just not a rain storm, I am thinking a CAT 5 hurricane. I am choosing to try my best to focus more on “other” things to keep my mind off what I feel I am missing. We talk, he is attentive, he is not some horrible negligent husband, maybe I am just wanting to much. I probably am, I just need to realize that & get over it. It just seems hard to do for me, I guess once you get a taste of what could be Great, you don’t want to be without it. UGH We are busy, we have had much to deal with the past year heck we have had much to deal with the past week. I just need to realize, this too will pass and we will be stronger for it. I just am not feeling very strong this evening. Okay rant and pity party over; tonight anyway, I am getting sleepy. I need to sleep.

Everybody Plays the Fool!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAuAi1rmk5UDamn I love this Man! He seems to LOVE me to the core!  I am his BiGGEST Cheerleader! Some days are not as easy as others!!!!

ON & OFF

I made the comment we still have our days of “Off & On”. The response from someone just beginning DD was how discouraging that was to hear and they would hope, at least ideally, that at some point it becomes who you are as a couple. I immediately let the person know it is just how we are, that some couples (I know maybe a handful) are always “On” in their dynamic and it is the way they are all of the time. We are just not like that. 

I guess what I was trying to say is I as well as Lee can let things go or slide or not even really think much about it. There have been many times the last many months where something has “distracted” us from our lifestyle. Death has happened a couple of times, and ATM we are dealing with a health situation of someone that is of the utmost importance to us. Basically, for us that means, if I don’t keep my end of the bargain with the goals/rules we have agreed on; he doesn’t necessarily follow through on his end or mine for that matter lol; nothing happens. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t notice, it doesn’t mean I do not care. I believe it means there are much more important things going on that need our attention.  He might mention, I have noticed ________ & _________. I understand you or we are both under a lot of stress right now, etc. He has let many things go that have to do with goals/rules. 

I understand why and I understand that he can also be worried & stressed like I am. I do think being an HOH is a “tough” position to be in. I certainly wouldn’t want the position. (well maybe I do a few times a year) lol.

I do know for us, our goals/rules are not about me getting tasks completed. They are not about respect, that is a given in our relationship, we treat one another with respect. I when stressed at times can come across as a bit “short” with my words, or snarky. It is something I really try not to ever direct at him but it has happened. 

He gets me, I get him. We understand one another & how we are both feeling. Some of the time, we need to both forget the goals/rules for a bit because there is something much more pressing that needs our attention. We do not usually talk about this, it usually just happens on its own. We do not usually say “Hey, the goals/rules are off the table right now”. It does not mean that we pay less attention to one another & the needs we both have. It doesn’t mean the silent treatment, it doesn’t mean ignore. It does mean we are there for one another whether talking at length about the situation, or holding one another. It means I share my fears, he shares his (he also has them, he also worries at times). He is an HOH, he is not Super Human. I am sure he needs my support & love just as much as I need his. It means that whatever the “important” issue is at the time has our focus and we both will do what ever needs to be done to help the situation, or give it our best shot.

The health issue we are dealing with is not over. There is not much we can really do until the next doctors appointment. I did send Lee an email it was a short one, not mean, not ugly, just short. Basically, saying Hey I know we are both dealing with this the best we can together. I am feeling way “off” and I realize we have been for a while. How do you feel? Of course his response is on the phone, the man never can simply email me back! He states he was planning on bringing this up tonight. I am thinking…. Really???? If so why I am I the one that brought it to your attention first? He says I did nothing to bring it to his attention. He was already planning on speaking about this tonight. Who knows?

Us being OFF doesn’t mean we don’t have one another, it doesn’t mean He is not HOH, it doesn’t mean I am all of a sudden the one in charge. It means basically he isn’t sp***ing my a$$ for not following through on our goals/rules. It means there is something going on that is very important & can be worrisome, and well scary that is more important than if I am eating right or drinking enough water. I believe for my or OUR relationship the support & love we give one another is much more important than goals/rules in our dynamic, the love is the core of our relationship. The dynamic is the icing on the cake.

So yes Our DD can some of the time have the Off & On times. I am okay with that, well until I am not LOL. (then I send a short lil email).

Real or Fake??

Why is it I am so suspicious? I know I have met people before that have been not at all who they claimed to be. I have never understood why someone would pretend to be someone or something they are not.

I am mostly talking about when “chatting” with someone. I understand chatting and getting to know others through chat. I have been fortunate to meet other couples. What I do not understand is why would someone pretend? I just am baffled why someone would not be true to themselves. I mean if you want to pretend to be in a DD or D/s relationship that seems rather pathetic to me. Why not be who you truly are or be honest especially when chatting with others? What do you gain from it?

Most people I chat with could care less if someone is in a relationship that is the same as theirs, every relationship is different anyway.  We all do things different, as we should. We know what works for our relationship, others do not.

It seems to me lately, some of the folks just come in to hear a sp****** story, or to say something for Shock Value. Some come in under many different names. Why? What is it that they are looking for?

When I first came to chat the people that were in there were so helpful to me. I was not in a DD or D/s relationship when I first came in. I asked so many questions, and everyone was so helpful. I am sure I drove some crazy with all of the questions I asked.

I am no expert at DD or D/s I do not pretend to be. Even after three years Off & On I still ask questions. Asking someone’s opinion on something doesn’t mean Lee or I have to take their advice, but I do think it can make interesting and sometimes helpful conversation. In the process of us or anyone asking a question it can lead to something someone else could be thinking about or having difficulty with.

I have recently read a few blogs I had never read before. I used to read blogs all of the time. I certainly miss some of the ones that are no longer out there. When reading these blogs I might agree or disagree with what the author says. When I say disagree I mean for our relationship Not theirs. I am surprised by some of the Blogs that seem to be a Do it this way, or You Must do this…. I am shocked when it doesn’t start off with “This worked for us” or “We tried this it really helped or was a Huge Fail”. When someone has the audacity to tell you exactly what you should be doing, that is a big RED flag for me. There is not a one size fits all DD or D/s Manual! You should not follow what someone writes because it could lead you astray from the dynamic that works best for you in your relationship. Just remember what fits their dynamic does not necessarily fit yours or mine. Helpful hints, people talking or blogging about their own experiences and the results whether beneficial or not I love. The ones that appear to think they are experts I will stay clear of. I am actually suspicious of them. LOL

Authenticity (not my word) is so important to me it seems to be quite rare these days. Such a shame. Just remember you know your own dynamic and what is best for your relationship. Ok my little rant is over. Can you tell I really need a Vacation!!!!!  LOL

Appreciating the Differences

Have you ever noticed some Blogs you seem to relate to more than others? I have not read blogs for quite a while. I mean I have a few that I do read, but I used to read so very many of them. There were of course some that I enjoyed much more than others.

I think at the start of DD I read Blogs because I enjoyed reading about other DD relationships and I could relate to many of the authors. Most of the blogs I read no longer exist, I am wondering if it is because they no longer needed them, or maybe they were worried about their anonymity. Maybe they just started living their DD or D/s life and needed not to talk about it because it became truly exactly what they needed/wanted. I do miss some of those Blogs. I appreciated all of the Blogs I read when we were starting out they did help me understand that I was Not totally Crazy.

There are Blogs that have changed over time as they changed in their dynamic, the Blogs took a turn as they should, growth in the relationship would reflect that in the writing.

My Blog really has been more of a diary for me, to look back at where we came from, or to see how far we have or have not grown. I rarely write on my Blog. It is not that I really don’t have the time I write in my personal diary more often though.

I have found some Blogs to have almost a fictitious feel to them, for me anyway. Almost like a story possibly a fantasy. In my experience with being you know kinda, sorta, somewhat NEW the fairy tale stories are Fun to read and I enjoy them some of the time. I actually prefer my books to be more fantasy and blogs I enjoy are the ones that show the good times as well as the bad times. I find those to be more of what I relate to.

The friends I speak with all go through many many tough times, in this dynamic. I find when talking many of us have the same issues I am not sure that is the correct word, but I find that we have many of the same or similar thoughts, the same worries, the same frustrations. I also find we have the same or similar joyful feeling when things are going Great. 

For me it is important to realize this dynamic isn’t all me (future post) nor is it all about Lee being tuned in to me, my ever single thought, need, or always being in HOH/Dom mode. It isn’t Sp******’s and some Hot Knight in Shining Armor grabbing me up and throwing me on the bed sp****** my a$$ and then making mad passionate love. That sounded all great but in reality my reality that can happen but it is so much more than that. There are many tough times, there are many times when I feel unsure, when I feel almost lost inside my head with thoughts, questions and concerns. That to me is my normal it is not always a BED of ROSES, paddles, implements, toys, rope, restraints, or feeling that Uh Oh feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I know for me the Blogs that I can relate to are usually ones that show things are not always Perfect. Since beginning this lifestyle I have cried more in the last three years than I did in our entire marriage. I have been frustrated, I have been mad, I have also had the Best three years in my life. That makes no sense at all, but it is true. I just know for me to read especially when first researching and beginning DD, I had some wonderful Blogs that really helped me to understand different aspects, perspectives, and how every single relationship is different and based on what each relationship needs/wants. I wish some of the "newer" people had those to read.

We all have our own preferences in reading Blogs, whether they are the Adventurous, the Boastful, the Confused, the Demanding, the Expert, the Fantasy, the Friend, the Funny, the Grateful, the Helpful, the Informative, the Judgmental, the Kinky, the Long winded, the Masochist, the Needy, the Obedient, the Passionate, the Player, the Quick Witted, the Rebel, the Seductive, the Sexual, the Sp******, the Thoughtful, the Unique, the Vulnerable, the Wicked, the Yielding, the Zestful and so many more.  We each have our own favorites I think maybe that depends on where you are at that moment in your relationship, I guess it is ever changing.

FRAUD!

I feel a bit different today in writing this. For those of you that are just beginning never think this lifestyle is a bed of ROSES! It is not. BTW I am not fond of roses. Lol

The envelopes that Lee left me really truly helped me to feel closer while he was away.

There was a PROBLEM though he was not nearly as engaged as I was. We all have our moments to be disengaged for one reason or another. His was pretty well… Shocking.

I have always felt loved, cherished, and adored, not so much right now. I do know the man is as human as I am, with that we all make mistakes we all F*** up! Some much worse than others.

All I am saying is Do not ever put anyone on a Pedestal ever, you might just be shocked at how they should not be on that pedestal at all. You in your mind put them there, they did not ask to be put there.

I do love my DD people so much!!!

And The Envelope Please…

 It has been quite a long time since I have written on my blog. I am thinking that is a “Good” thing. Maybe it just means things are just going along quite nicely. WRONG! Lol.

Actually things have been quite well, we have managed for the most part to stay on course well lately we have. We like most everyone else I speak with have our ups & downs, on & offs. We deal with those “real life” situations like everyone else.

Lee is traveling for work and has been away 20 days, only one more to go! This trip seems to have went by quicker than the previous ones. I think mostly because I have been a bit busier, and on the weekends I have had something to do for two out of the three. I have my DD friends who have been great about checking in with me, sending me funny messages, texts and phone calls, you guys have no idea how much easier you make it when he is away so long. You are the most amazing Support Group! Thank you!

This time in his travels away, I felt Lee was a bit more engaged while he was away. Before he left, he had I guess I would call it a list of things he wanted me to do or work on while he was away. These were not all tasks some were FUN things he wanted me to do while he was away. We discussed them, well he discussed, I listened. He knows me, I get Bored very easily, and then when I get bored it is not always a Good thing. I can let my mind wander and go to places it really has no place going.

One of the things Lee did different on this trip was he left me seven sealed envelopes. He instructed me to not open any of them until the week before he arrived home. I have to say I have Surprised myself as I have only opened one of them before I should have!

I had no idea what was inside the envelopes, I just know it is a request/order of something he wants me to do. I really kinda find it exciting! I also feel how damn thoughtful. I know it is something so simple, but it just meant to me… he is really trying to let me feel his presence while 8000 miles away.

I opened Envelope #1- (they are in no particular order he said, but they are numbered???) I did open this one actually the night before I should have. Talk about disappointment, the request/order was to make sure there were clean sheets on the bed when he arrived home. REALLY??? I mean I have always done that, always! OK well maybe that is kinda Payback for opening the envelope earlier than I should have. KARMA

Envelope #2-WOW this one is a bit different! There were explicit instructions, on me planning a meal for his arrival, what I am to be wearing, how my hair is to be styled, and the candles are to be lit. (I wonder does planning mean cooking? I am sure it doesn’t otherwise he would have said cook a meal) lol!

Envelope #3-This request/order was again kinda like envelope #1 something I would do anyway, it is a bit of pampering myself, that is always nice, nothing like a good mani/pedi and well one other thing that I chose to do on my own at the start of this but it seems like it is something he likes very much now. It isn’t the same relaxing feeling as a mani/pedi but the results are sooo worth it IMO, must be his opinion also. He then goes on to tell me a few things that will happen the night he arrives home! (He will be exhausted, I know this man)

Envelope #4-UGH! I am not sure I will be able to complete this one before he arrives home. Send him an email about what my wildest dreams or an experience I think about. He wants Details! That can be kinda sexy and at the same time a lil unnerving for me anyway, heck maybe for him also. If he only knew, Lol

Envelope #5-Surprised! I am really surprised about this one, it is a bit much to talk about, it has to do with well “FUN” stuff but something I have not done before without him. He even gives a specific time to do this.

Envelope #6-Shocked! No way can I do this at work! I don’t even have enough experience with this to feel comfortable with it. I think we have used this once maybe twice and that didn’t really work out very well. I must talk to him about this, I just can’t. It sounds like it could be FUN but more Fun at home and with him, I will need to talk about this with him. He agreed that I can wait until he is home and he is more than Happy to assist me!

Envelope #7-L Wear my hair up at work all day!!! UGH, I know he loves my hair up, I do not like my hair up, but being kinda sorta somewhat an almost Perfect tih I certainly will honor his request/order.

Basically the way this envelope thing as simple as it is. The result made me really feel him near me, making his requests/orders. I believe it made me know how much thought he put into this. I know these are simple or things that most people would find silly or not necessary, but for me it meant he took the time to think this out, made the effort, and try really hard to keep us connected when so far apart from one another.

I realized that even with the simplest basic requests/orders he by doing this made me feel “special”. Now don’t get me wrong he has always made me feel pretty special, loved, & cherished. Maybe the word would be engaged, it can be very difficult for me to feel his presence when we are away from one another for so long.

 Now it has me thinking… What can I do for him to let him know how special he is to me, how I love, appreciate & cherish him. I believe it is just as important to let your HOH know what they mean to you. They shouldn’t just be “doing” for you, that seems quite selfish and rather unfulfilling for the HOH IMO. It Makes me want to step up a bit more, and let him have these same wonderful feelings I do. It really meant more to me than I realized. Thank You Lee! 

Chameleon

It has been quite a long time since I wrote on my blog or my personal diary. I guess there just hasn’t been a whole helluvalot to say.

We had a wonderful holiday spent with family & friends, we went to Biloxi to do a bit of relaxing, I had a great time playing & won a lil bit of money. We both did actually!

I have started a new job recently, it has had its ups & downs. I well I guess we have been quite busy the past few months. Lee had traveled back in October, a few of my sweet DD friends came for one weekend, it was great to see them and just laze around talking up a storm. I did receive a pretty remarkable email from Lee that weekend. I even shared it with my girlfriends; it was like what I truly needed to hear from him as “our” DD had kinda taken a backseat for quite awhile. He returned home and well sometime later he mentioned the email. I am not sure if I have grown or maybe just kinda realized “it is what it is”. Before… I would have bratted or brought it to his attention that I was feeling as if DD wasn’t a part of us anymore. I had just become accepting of the fact. When he did bring it up, basically saying “I really feel we need to get back on track”. I in my head am thinking I really hope you mean it, but if you don’t I am okay just the same. We have had the same conversation over & over & over again nothing really new in that.

It seems like it starts and stops constantly, I have said my peace and very respectfully and without any hard feelings. As difficult as it is to admit those “On & Off” times are just getting to be just a bit much for me.

It also baffles me how after quite a bit of time without DD really seeming to be in our life or very little of it, he can say all the right things, know & admit his short comings and give some of the best advice I have heard to others. I respect the fact that he will openly admit our “truths” I have always thought of him as a man of honor. His honesty plays a big part of that. I do admire the fact that he is not one to “pretend” he doesn’t pretend to be a great HOH/Dom he admits he does the best he can and sometimes fails. I know him to be someone of great character & strength. I admire these qualities that are all quite important to me.

SO with that being said, I am accepting of the fact that I do the best I can, he does the best he can. I know for me this lifestyle is very important, something I want & desire, even the bad stuff. I am now wondering though is it the same for him? I spoke with a friend of mine who knows me quite well, I expressed my feelings and after our talk, I wondered is he a chameleon? Is he one that changes depending on mood and/or communication? I know some chameleons cannot change and some have limited ability to change.

I have always thought of him to be his true self. He has never seemed to be anyone less than honest, forthright, and of great character. I just hope with me the one bringing DD I didn’t cause him to become maybe a bit of a chameleon. I never thought of it like this before as heck he sp***** me once maybe twice before we were ever even married or knew what DD even was. It is more important to me that we both stay true to ourselves. That truth is more important than any lifestyle I might desire. It is just well the TRUTH.

Ain’t No Other Man!

     OMGosh! I have so much to say. As usual, I will be all over the map. Lee & I went on vacation ~ the same vacation we have taken every summer since starting DD. We stayed in a nice trailorminium for 12 days at a gorgeous campground on the beach. It has become one of my favorite getaways that we do each year. I think why I it like so much is, the fact it is just the two of us, spending quality time together.

     We spend most of our time laying & walking on the beach. This time I didn’t go in the water as much, the huge sea rays kind of ruined it for me. While we are there, we go out and eat~fresh seafood which is a must. We also rode bikes, listened to music, met some people from different parts of the country, and (one of my favorite things to do) go listen to live music & dance. The best part, it is just us doing things we enjoy together. I honestly think this getaway is something Lee does for me. He loves the beach as much as I do, but I am sure he would like to play a lil more golf or fish.  He did play golf and we did hang out with some family & friends a couple of the days, I mean we have to watch SEC football and who better to watch with than rival fans? LOL!

     During this trip my sister was having a Party (White Party), you never want to miss a Party in our family. We can really throw a Party. The night before Lee & I went out dancing needless to say I had a blast but also a bit too much to drink. The next day I don’t think I even started moving until noon, I certainly didn’t want to attend a Party, but I knew I had to be there. Driving there I said, “Let’s not stay too long, she won’t miss us, really there will be many people there. Lee just said, “We will see”.

     When we arrive, I notice there were cars all up and down the street. I got out of the car and my sister opened her front door (I have never walked through the front door). She had black on cute little number~ but it’s black. I said, “You have black on!” She said, “You want to know why?” at that point, Lee steps up takes my hand and said “I have been planning this with your sister for a year” I can’t remember all he said, what did register was “We are renewing our vows” as my sister handed me the most beautiful bouquet. I was shocked stunned speechless (rarely happens) My sister then walks out the back door. Lee kissed me and said, “I love you” took my hand and we walked out the side door. The first thing I saw was a beautiful table with flowers and a picture of our wedding. Next to that table was my wedding dress on a mannequin. WOW!

     Lee led me out to the backyard, the tears were just streaming down my face and I couldn’t make them stop. There was a band playing music as we walk as well. It was beautiful I honestly did not really see anyone standing it was all such a blur. We walked up to a beautiful arch decorated with flowers. There stood a pastor (do we even know a pastor anymore). It was incredible. After we were almost done renewing our vows, the pastor asked us to remove our wedding rings. I am a lil confused but then OMGosh Lee pulled a box out of his pocket. I didn’t mean for it to come out so loudly but “You got me a NEW ring???”  came flying out at top volume. YES he did and damn is it beautiful! After we kissed, I turn around to see my family & friends.

     We drank, we danced, and we have a beautiful “renewal” cake. There were toasts, and presents as well. It was just like a real wedding and he did this for me… for us. I know there is no way he could have done this without all of the help of my lil sister. I am the luckiest woman in the world.

     I cannot express how much this meant to me. I just can’t find the words. All of the work, planning, the love, that went into this beautiful ceremony. To be able to keep me in the total dark that is a feat in itself. I am never surprised, I always figure things out, well not this time. I love this man of mine so much. I love that he is who he is. I love that he shows me what I mean to him. I love he is not afraid to show his Romantic side and sensitive side. I love that he is mine and I am so grateful ~ even if he does sp*** my a$$ every now and then. LOL!

     I just want to sing that song “Ain’t No Other Man”

DAY DRINKING!

     I really am not sure quite how to start this post other than to say I have noticed some changes in myself since starting DD. The changes mostly have been good changes for our relationship, actually Great is a better word. There is one change though that has me a little concerned. DD & Drinking… do they go hand in hand for me anyway?

     Let me back up, I am was a social drinker. If we had friends over & everyone was drinking I might have a drink or two many times not even finishing a glass of wine or whatever I happened to have. If we go out to a bar/club it seems if I have to “pay” for it I can and do drink much more especially if there is dancing and a band playing. I love live music and I also love to dance. We do not or did not go out every weekend the past many years but we do on occasion and on those occasions of music playing and dancing your tail off until you are glistening I always drink more.

     Something changed since starting DD though. Actually I know it started when I first brought DD to Lee. I started having a glass of wine after work during the week. I personally rarely ever drank during the week unless we or I was out with someone for dinner and might have a glass of wine. I never drank at home during the week after work, I don’t see anything wrong with it, I just didn’t. Lee has always had a beer or glass of wine at night as long as I can remember, maybe not every night but most of them. I never have thought anything about it because well my whole family drinks as do most of my local friends and I believe most of them have a beer or glass of wine sometime in the evening.

     Well over time I have noticed~well hell I just know I am drinking too much during the week. That one glass of wine can turn into three now has been four and well that is just a bit much I am now thinking. I know it is. I am not drunk. I am usually home around 6:00 and go to bed between 11:00 and midnight. That is many hours, but still to be drinking that much every night can get expensive. Unfortunately it is not the “Red wine that is so good for you”. It is white or limearita’s. Heck two of those used to kick my butt.

     Lee & I have talked recently about this. Why do I feel the need to drink during the week now? I had a difficult time explaining this to him, but I tried. Basically I said, I am not sure if I can live this lifestyle without drinking. Yes I know, WHAT? Well, I feel more submissive and I seem to let my walls down much easier when I have a glass or two in me. I can talk more freely & open not feeling as embarrassed as I sometimes can. I am more Free and willing. I want this lifestyle and I love some of the kinkier parts that have resulted from it too. I just have a very difficult time explaining/opening up to him.

      Lee is not a hard man to talk to, these are my issues. He is very receptive and he does listens, he actually has become very good at reading between the lines.

      I have also talked to a few DD girlfriends about this.  Some do drink but rarely, some have been in the same place I am in. One who always has a way with words explained it to me like this. “Once you can 'talk to him', 'sober' then he will know you have a trust in him, because you feel comfortable with him” She went on to say “Well I think that (sadly) booze brings down our inhibitions like nothing else; however the real freedom and vulnerability comes when we leave that 'easy road' behind, and actually try on our own. See the wine exposes one's true self, but...BUT that person IS in there the key and greatest growth is to get that person out out of WILL not WINE” I just love how she says things much better than I do.

     Lee and I have talked about this more in depth. I like the plan he came up with. He also let me know Drinking & DD do not go hand in hand and won’t for us anyway. Mmmmm, I wonder… how well this is going to work for me?  

p.s. I do love the song Day Drinking! 

Repeat!

     I feel like we are at the end of a journey tonight. I know much has to do with him being away for so long and before he left there were many reasons we were not our “normal” selves. Sometimes I believe you get to a point to where you think… Is this ever going to work for more than a few months. It is on it is off and then repeat. I tonight am finished repeating. I am not mad or upset just accepting of the fact. That is scary in itself, for me when I just accept something even something I do not like, I am usually not very silent about it, when I do become silent that pretty much means well I am just done.

      I do not know what the future holds. I do not know how this will play out. I do know this lifestyle brought us much closer together, improved the intimacy, and the passion I felt I had not felt in a very long time. I won’t say those things are gone they are just in a secret hiding place that I can’t seem to find.

     It makes me wonder for those that have tried without success to get their partner on board. Is it harder to start stop and repeat? Maybe it is harder to never start when it is something you truly desire, want or even need. I have always felt so bad for those that can’t seem to make their partner understand how important this is to them. I also feel bad for the ones that had a relationship only to have it not work out and have to start over.

     There are so many positives about this relationship, but I certainly believe if not done correctly there are just as many negatives. 

Squirrely

     I am sure I will be all over the map with my post today. It has been quite busy the last couple of months. I did have a Birthday it was a BIG birthday 50 is the new 40 30 Right? I certainly do not feel my age, according to oldest child (23) “Mom, I don’t know why 50 is bothering you, you certainly do not act 50 heck I act more mature than you”. I wasn’t sure if that was a compliment or not. I did have a great birthday spent with my wonderful husband and three other DD couples, we met at my very favorite restaurant. I love these people they are my friends. I appreciate they may drive anywhere from two to three hours just to celebrate with me. I also appreciated all the wine I received, a girl can never have too much wine! It is always so great to see them, I wish we lived closer so I could see them more often. I also received a wonderful Perfect birthday present from a friend who knows me very well all beachy stuff that I will certainly use as much as I possibly can this summer!

      Lee will be leaving for work again soon another one of those three week trips. I am hoping I keep it together by keeping myself busy while he is gone. I usually do fine during the week it is the weekends that get to me. I have friends that before DD I spent a lot more time with, but it seems that now I would much rather just spend time with Lee or honestly chat or phone with my DD friends. I just seem to have more in common with them and they do make me laugh! My neighbor friends they seem to not be as happy as my DD friends and honestly they just complain a bit too much for me. Wonder Why?

     I do love going to my lil chat place probably way too much, I used to be much more organized around my house and I just know I spend way too much time in there. I enjoy it though, I enjoy the people, especially the ones I have become friends with, whether we meet, talk on the phone, or text I still enjoy chatting in the room. It is nice to meet new people especially ones that remind me of me when we first began this lifestyle. I have found some to be so similar in what they are looking for to help their relationship. I have also realized some feel like their way is the only way, so WRONG! We believe, Lee & I like most do that you make it your own and what works for you. You might call it something totally different than someone else but really does it matter? I have found some are not at all like I thought they were which has been a lil disappointing to me. Seems for some this lifestyle is very specific in how things should be done or not be done. I believe I can learn much from others and their experiences. I might not agree that it would be best for my relationship but I still respect the fact that it is best for theirs. I have never done well doing things the way someone else does especially if the reason is… that is just the way we have always done it or because others think their way is the only way. I believe for Lee & I we do it our way and make it ours. I know that when I entered the chat place the first time I first was scared to death I had no idea who I was chatting with but they did make me feel very safe & comfortable. Secondly I had researched and read so much about DD it was very helpful to actually talk to others that lived this lifestyle I was so curious about. I of course knew they didn’t have all the answers but sometimes it just feels nice to speak to someone openly that has a clue on how you are feeling. I loved the fact that it seemed the people did not pass judgement nor push their beliefs on you.

     Fifty Shades of Grey the movie is out, I have had several of my friends and family ask if I have seen it, I have not. I know many did not like the book but I was one that did. I will see it, I would rather rent it just because I have a hard time sitting still for very long. I have heard mixed reviews but for the most part the friends or family I know seemed to all like it, I never like a movie as much as a book I have read but I will see it eventually.

     My reading selections have changed the past several months. I have been reading a lil more often and all sorts of books. I did read a book recently “Disciplined Desired” by Lisa Simons. I enjoyed the book, the wife in the book believes DD could possibly help her marriage and she discovers a “Chat” room, well you will have to read the book, I shouldn’t spoil it for you. The author is actually someone who comes into the chat I frequent way too much! You might enjoy reading it, I did.

Lee and I have been in a pretty good place lately. There are times that we both could do better but as I always say I am kinda sorta somewhat NEW still!!!! I told you this post was going to be all over the place! I was right just me and my thoughts. This one also just popped in my head. I have met people through chat from just curious or beginning, to living this lifestyle for over twenty years I have also met those that live a TPE relationship. What do we all seem to have in common we just want to have the BEST relationship possible such a nice thing to have in common.

I told you this post was going to be all over the place, today I am like that squirrel that runs in the road!

Basic Training!!!

    I had never researched it, never even thought about it honestly. I had heard about it, I had read a blog or two about it. Just mostly never thought it would pertain to us. BOOT CAMP just sounded a little harsh.

Holiday time can be so busy. We are already busy people then add the holiday season with all that goes on and well we had not been as focused on our relationship as we both like to be. DD was there, but with so much company, Angel being home most of the time, shopping, cooking, and traveling we just had very little time for US. To top it off another not scheduled trip (only 18 days) across the country for Lee. UGH!

     I received an email from Lee this one kinda shocked me.

  “I want you to always have that feeling that I am watching you, I want you to feel that whether we are together or apart that you know I am there to lead and take care of you as well as respect my direction, expectations and knowing  that I will hold you just as accountable as I do of myself.  I will not let things slide as I have these past two months whether you think your good or not.  I want more dominance out of me as I know this will lead to what I want more out of you being more submissive.

Here is what I want more from each of us.  I know you do not want to hear this, but I want to do a mini boot camp.  I know this will help reset and instill in us our roles.  In reading about this again there are areas that will benefit both of us to achieve the levels I want from each other.  I know you don't and will put up a fuss, but I am not going to waiver on this too much.   I will consider baby steps here and we can discuss, but I will make the final decision that is best for both of us.   The us part is the dominance and submissiveness I am looking for.”

     He is correct I did put up a lil fuss. I have to admit though the more he explained it, what he believed would benefit the two of us the more I was curious. We exchanged a few emails about it, spoke a lil on the phone about it, he decided we would start when he returned. Lee returned late that night after a 20+ hour flight I knew he would have jet lag, much to my surprise he was very much alert & awake.

     We discussed, I mostly listened, I truly did! One thing that truly amazes me about my husband is he has his own way about things. He did read/research about “boot camp”, he decided what he would implement in our life to help get us both back on track and where he/we would like to be. I love the fact that he admits he is not perfect and I love the fact that he holds himself also accountable when we let this part of our lifestyle take a backseat.

     This “boot camp” I truly think should be called “basic training” it for us is to help as he said to instill in us our roles (reaffirm) which both however different, are both just as important to one another. 

     It has only been a few days, and I must say the man (drill Sergeant) is really taking his role seriously. He isn’t really barking out orders to me that is not his way. Well he is having me do a few things that I am not at all accustomed to. If I falter there is a consequence, Lee says boot camp (“mini” mind you is what he said in his email) will last 21 days. Something about making a habit & breaking a habit, whatever!

     Our boot camp/basic training is ours; it is about the things we both need to work on for the benefit of our relationship. Some things I am now required to do are things some of my friends have never had an issue with but might be more difficult for me. These can really be very basic tasks or requirements. Some requirements are to let me know he is the one in charge not me. Some might even be for his benefit only.

     I have spoken with some of my friends about this; we actually had a tih chat conversation about it. We spoke about intensity how it isn’t just about punishment & sp******, the intensity is also about the feeling of HOH being on all the time and you submitting to the requests that are made even if in your prideful head you are thinking… Are you serious, or just crazy? I believe the goal might be to not think that. lol Some have had boot camp; some of those believe a longer one would be much more beneficial.

      After the conversation, it seemed to me many tih’s would like a “boot camp” their “OWN” boot camp. Maybe to reaffirm their roles, work on consistency, to know their HOH is truly vested & paying attention, to even receive that attention, for their HOH to become more confident in their role and not feel guilty possibly about “hurting” the one they love, maybe for a couple who has practiced for awhile a way to “jumpstart” if maybe there has been a lull, showing your vulnerability, losing some of the bad habits formed over the years, to stop over thinking or analyzing, the closeness felt, and for some it is just simple when they are showing their dominance we just MELT and truly become submissive and it feels amazing. 

     I realized also that many, whether submissive naturally or just bold really want the same thing to know their HOH is the one in charge, true to their word (we hate empty threats). One of my friends said it best she is submissive to her HOH 90% of the time but that last 10% is maybe PRIDE that the HOH has to break through to truly get that 100%, because for many 100% is the goal, whether we give it or they have to take it. Some of us want to know they are strong enough to break through and take it. It is not that we doubt their strength, but honestly some can manipulate, talk, or even seduce that strength right out of them.

     We all have our own things to work on and different things, habits to break, different ways to work on them, that is why it is so important to make things whether rules, consequences, boot camp, or DD your own.

     I am excited and apprehensive about this “Basic Training” only time will tell. 

Milestones!

    We are in a good place. NO! I take that back, we are in a great place! It is not perfect but it is perfect for us right now. I think tonight about all of the obstacles we have overcome. How much our love and relationship has grown even though we have been together almost half of my life!

    I knew DD could maybe possibly help us. I had no idea how much though. It has surpassed all that I could possibly have imagined. Now I am not saying that it is going to stay that way because as I have learned over the last year and a half, it is ever changing. As we also change or grow. There are ups and downs, highs and lows, but regardless we have learned to work together through the lows and truly enjoy and embrace the highs.

     This weekend was a milestone for us well it was for me anyway. It wasn’t planned, rehearsed, even thought about. It was a beautiful morning just a little too cold for me, while we were just beginning our day we started talking. Now don’t get me wrong, we always talk, but this talk just kinda took a life of its own. I am not sure how it even began.  I have never had an issue saying what I feel really well… until we started DD. I actually became embarrassed to discuss certain things and pretty much have been that way since the start. If I had a difficult time expressing my feelings about something, when I had the courage, I would email Lee. I did so much better in emails. One thing about my emails I do not edit or proofread them, I type what is exactly in my head at the moment and go with it. It is one of the few times I try not to overthink. Lee says I overthink things. I do not try to make it sound good or bad. I just tell it like it is, the way I feel. Mostly it has nothing to do with Lee, it is just my feelings about what might be going on at the time.

     This problem I have of not being able to actually talk to him about something that might seem embarrassing or taboo has made some talk difficult. I know, I know, how in the world can anything be taboo, my gosh woman the man sp**** you! Well some things just are.

     We both just seemed to open up and say what we felt. We just started talking it wasn’t scheduled, planned, or even something I had planned to bring up. It just happened. We both talked about how we have grown, how things have changed, and some things we both want to explore further. We both spoke of thoughts and desires we have, most of them most private. Lee was receptive to mine as well as me being receptive to his. It was actually a lil funny how so many things we both desire neither really told the other. Yes there were some things he had told me or spoken about in the past, but usually when something came up that I was a little uncomfortable or embarrassed by would be hard to discuss, I would get quiet so some of the time we would end up just skimming the topic. Remember I was Vanilla! This time I was totally comfortable with what we were discussing.  Of course he has always seemed more comfortable than I on certain subjects, but this time I was good with it.

     After our two hour talk, I came away feeling so blessed, to have a husband that truly can listen that considers my thoughts & feelings.  A man that doesn’t think he knows all the answers, and doesn't pretend to, one that believes there is always more to learn, and will research or chat to learn more, one that realizes we change over time so adjustments might need to be made, one that doesn’t believe there is just one way to do things, knows there are many . He can easily tell me how he feels, he doesn’t groan if I say can we talk. I do not have to compete with the TV, laptop, or phone (I do know better not to suggest we need to talk during an SEC football game). I am blessed to have a husband who “gets me”. I am thankful that he is who he is. Now do not get me wrong he is NOT Perfect! But he was awfully close this day. LOL! Again though, things are ever changing.

     I wanted to just write my feelings mostly today, because many of my post can be not so great, not being on the same page, frustrations, inconsistency. This is a Happy post, maybe the next one will be also, one never knows.