Milestones!

    We are in a good place. NO! I take that back, we are in a great place! It is not perfect but it is perfect for us right now. I think tonight about all of the obstacles we have overcome. How much our love and relationship has grown even though we have been together almost half of my life!

    I knew DD could maybe possibly help us. I had no idea how much though. It has surpassed all that I could possibly have imagined. Now I am not saying that it is going to stay that way because as I have learned over the last year and a half, it is ever changing. As we also change or grow. There are ups and downs, highs and lows, but regardless we have learned to work together through the lows and truly enjoy and embrace the highs.

     This weekend was a milestone for us well it was for me anyway. It wasn’t planned, rehearsed, even thought about. It was a beautiful morning just a little too cold for me, while we were just beginning our day we started talking. Now don’t get me wrong, we always talk, but this talk just kinda took a life of its own. I am not sure how it even began.  I have never had an issue saying what I feel really well… until we started DD. I actually became embarrassed to discuss certain things and pretty much have been that way since the start. If I had a difficult time expressing my feelings about something, when I had the courage, I would email Lee. I did so much better in emails. One thing about my emails I do not edit or proofread them, I type what is exactly in my head at the moment and go with it. It is one of the few times I try not to overthink. Lee says I overthink things. I do not try to make it sound good or bad. I just tell it like it is, the way I feel. Mostly it has nothing to do with Lee, it is just my feelings about what might be going on at the time.

     This problem I have of not being able to actually talk to him about something that might seem embarrassing or taboo has made some talk difficult. I know, I know, how in the world can anything be taboo, my gosh woman the man sp**** you! Well some things just are.

     We both just seemed to open up and say what we felt. We just started talking it wasn’t scheduled, planned, or even something I had planned to bring up. It just happened. We both talked about how we have grown, how things have changed, and some things we both want to explore further. We both spoke of thoughts and desires we have, most of them most private. Lee was receptive to mine as well as me being receptive to his. It was actually a lil funny how so many things we both desire neither really told the other. Yes there were some things he had told me or spoken about in the past, but usually when something came up that I was a little uncomfortable or embarrassed by would be hard to discuss, I would get quiet so some of the time we would end up just skimming the topic. Remember I was Vanilla! This time I was totally comfortable with what we were discussing.  Of course he has always seemed more comfortable than I on certain subjects, but this time I was good with it.

     After our two hour talk, I came away feeling so blessed, to have a husband that truly can listen that considers my thoughts & feelings.  A man that doesn’t think he knows all the answers, and doesn't pretend to, one that believes there is always more to learn, and will research or chat to learn more, one that realizes we change over time so adjustments might need to be made, one that doesn’t believe there is just one way to do things, knows there are many . He can easily tell me how he feels, he doesn’t groan if I say can we talk. I do not have to compete with the TV, laptop, or phone (I do know better not to suggest we need to talk during an SEC football game). I am blessed to have a husband who “gets me”. I am thankful that he is who he is. Now do not get me wrong he is NOT Perfect! But he was awfully close this day. LOL! Again though, things are ever changing.

     I wanted to just write my feelings mostly today, because many of my post can be not so great, not being on the same page, frustrations, inconsistency. This is a Happy post, maybe the next one will be also, one never knows.

6 DD Couples & a Duck

     I cannot believe I forgot to post this! As I was writing on my blog today I noticed I never hit publish!!!! O well, better late than never!!!!!!!

It finally happened! We six DD couples (and a duck) finally met for a long weekend! We came from all different parts of the country and one from Canada. We also were able to connect with one special chat lady for a few hours before the weekend officially began.

     It was an amazing weekend. I knew we would all like one another and was pretty sure everyone would be the same as they are in “chat”. I have to admit there were a few tears of joy shed to finally meet someone you have chatted with a very long time and you so badly wanted to meet. I was so happy to be in the company of these couples, and had waited a long time for this to happen. 

     We all stayed in a very large cabin, ate meals together, cooked together, the men golfed, the ladies shopped and went to lunch (the drink menu was on a ping pong paddle). There were some games played, fun get to know you games, some shot pool, I got beat bad at air hockey. There was a lil drinking, cigar smoking, dancing, music and we won’t mention the hot tub (no there was nothing kinky that happened in the hot tub, we are very much into our own spouses).

     There were some gifts exchanged seems some HOH’s think their “brothers” can never have enough “implements”!  Like maybe a long foam sword, rubber coated paint sticks, big wooden paddle (but it said something sweet and was beautifully hand painted), lil wooden spoons, handmade wooden paddles crafted beautifully stained and sealed. A mini oar there is nothing “mini” about it! The ladies little tokens of love were so much better. There were martini glasses and shot glasses hand painted with angel wings. Beautiful bags, halo’s (yes halo’s), pillows, candy (long pixie sticks, pop rocks) Just use your imagination. Some might have received a special gift like maybe a shovel and a bucket “just to dig yourself out of the hole you keep digging yourself into”. I can’t even remember all of the sweet gifts.

     We went to dinner one night to a place called Dick’s. If you haven’t been there you should go, not so much for great food but just for the entertainment. It was very entertaining as the wait staff is rude to you and our little waitress was great she didn’t miss a beat, even when all of the HOH’s at the exact same time decided to pull their wooden paddles out of their pocket and place them on the table. She just turned around and stuck her bottom out!!! She wasn’t even the least bit taken aback. We did a little bit of moonshine tasting, shopped some more and just spent much of the time laughing, talking, and just having a great time together.

     I feel so very fortunate to have been able to meet these couples in real life, they are people I genuinely care about and love. I know about their children, their parents, and their pets. We have so much more in common than just this lifestyle. As different as some of us might be or even live DD we also have so much in common. 

     The long weekend ended way too fast I wasn’t ready for it to end. Since returning home we did received a wonderful photo slide show/movie with music to it that I can watch anytime I start missing these folks. Now I just cannot wait for the next time! 

Happy Camper... NOT!

      I have had a wonderful two weeks since Lee has returned from working out of the country. Upon his return we spent a long weekend at the lake, and then we were off to the beach for a little more than a week. Just the two of us, no distractions, just fun & sun in our favorite spot.  Lying on the beach, swimming, walking, riding bikes, eating amazing seafood, umbrella drinks for me and dancing! It was an amazing week for the both of us. We enjoyed our “us” time so much!

     Now it is back to reality. Back to work and our everyday normal life. I was a little concerned about coming back, for one thing I hate coming home, I Love the beach so much it is my “Happy Place” I am always so relaxed there. My second concern was us going back to being busy or tired and not focusing on one another. It happens to us almost every time. That “real life” part always seems to mess us up a bit.

     I was pleasantly surprised when we returned home and he was still on his game. He didn’t seem tired, busy, or even preoccupied with anything. We were still focused on one another. It did help that our Angel who recently moved back home was out of town for the next week.

     Last night, Lee came home from work telling me they need him out of the country again. “Really???? You were not supposed go back until after January”. So he is now leaving again, like in two days!!!! Usually I have time to prepare for this like months usually, not this time. So I am not happy right now, I am actually really mad about it. I know it is not his fault; I should be proud that he is needed and is the “go to” guy when there is a problem at his place of employment. Well… I am just still mad. This is supposed to be a short trip only two weeks so I should be thankful for that, his trips are always a minimum of three weeks.

     I haven’t acted out well kinda sorta somewhat haven’t, maybe just a tiny bit this morning.  I tried to keep it in, but anyone that knows me knows I am not good at that. I have always had a difficult time with not saying exactly what I think or feel. I do try though but it always eventually comes out.

     I know I should just suck it up and deal with it, I used to be very good at that, heck I used to not even care when he was gone. This new lifestyle has changed more than just our relationship; it has changed me and how much I need him. That is not always a good thing. 

PINK! IS MY COLOR!!

     Lee and I have had so much going on there has really been not much “us” time. Our oldest has moved home after 5 years and wow what a change in our life. Now don’t get me wrong I love this kid but I am just so used to having much alone time with Lee. Her room is right next to ours so that can make it difficult for our life to continue as it had been. She has been home all of the time while our other child is rarely home. We have had lots of company, have been out of town, many functions to be at, more company is coming, and work has been extremely busy. So with that being said DD had been pretty nonexistent really.

     I have been “off” I know I have. Not really going by some of my “rules” not on purpose just because well sometimes I just don’t think about them with all that has been happening. I know it has been tough for Lee as well. It truly has been difficult for both of us.

     Lee decided we needed a reset, regroup, resomething. He let me know this would be happening that night and a few nights in a row.  I explained to him it cannot she will hear. He let me know he is using one of the silent implements, well you know what Lee that might be silent but it’s kind of hard for me to be silent when that thing is hitting my a$$! First night it hurts, but I get through it but it hurts. I go upstairs the next night, thinking he has maybe forgotten, he has not as he tells me OTK! I am like what? We don’t do OTK! He responds, "We are now"!  Well he starts, I hate this thing, and it hurts really extra bad. I wiggle, squirm, attempt a flip, and I beg for him to stop. He is NOT listening; he just keeps on going grabs my hand, traps my legs, and just proceeds.

     I do actually feel better well my mind feels better afterwards, but my a$$ does not, for days I mean many days it hurts. That deep down to the bone kind of hurt. It is difficult to sit, I don’t even want him to touch it actually it is bruised ugly!  The third night, I think it was the third night, the wonderful man takes pity on me and lets me off of this reset/regroup/resomething. He knows I am not teasing, tricking, or playing as it still hurts. I do tell him that seemed like a punishment not the other. He let me know it was actually both; I broke some rules and needed to realize who was in charge.

      I hope the next few months fly by, so both of our children can be at their own place and we can be alone at ours. I don’t care for those “silent” implements and they really are not very good for me.

      I don’t look good in purple/blue/black I look much better in shades of pink! Light ones actually, yes light pink is definitely my color!

Rambling Thoughts & Feelings

     It has been a busy three weeks with Lee away, and then some days not so busy. I am feeling a little off this trip, not upset, mad, or sad, just off. I did so well the first week emailing him, filling in that spreadsheet, but the second week things were a little hectic around here, I also went out of town so I didn’t email him the spreadsheet. Then by this week I guess just out of the habit or just because I am feeling off I didn’t email it either. I have emailed him, we have talked I have told him my counts or my best estimate anyway. Just feeling a little off.

     Lee has let me know how disappointed he is and also I will be “dealt with” when he returns. I didn’t mean to disappoint him that was not deliberate. I am in my own little space right now and besides he is so far away. It is sometimes hard for me to feel his strength long distance and when he is gone for a period of time like this. Nothing he has done or not done, just me I think. I don’t like the feeling; it reminds me of the way it used to be a very long time ago. It is like I am in my own space (not honey’s world) just by myself, not really wanting to meet up with friends; I still do, just not really wanting to. It is that feeling like I am only accountable to me; well I am the only one here right now. I am one that does enjoy my alone time, it is important to me. I know I am rambling but sometimes writing out these crazy feelings of mine really helps.

     I am not even sure if I am a tih, I am so not submissive, well sometimes I am but not often. I do like that when he is home anyway; he is the leader, the HOH, the boss, the man! I love when he is home and hate when he is not. That says so much to me when it used to not phase me when he was gone.

     Wait… I think I am starting to feel better!

 I cannot be the perfect tih as hard as I may try, just impossible for me, and besides he would be bored with such a perfect tih, that is not what I strive for anyway. I do like to keep things fun, exciting, and maybe a little challenging. Everyone likes a good challenge. I don’t know how I will be “dealt with”. I have explained to him when he arrives home we will not be alone at all; we will be taking care of our daughter who is having surgery on Monday that will keep us very busy. Then we will be meeting some friends that I am just dying to see. I can hardly wait I am so excited about this trip.

     So as far as being “dealt with” that will have to be put on the back burner for awhile, as there is just no time and no privacy. Or maybe, just maybe… I will get a reprieve as I am sure he misses me so very much, and when I begin to work my “magic” he is sure to forget & forgive. 

For Lee... Smiling

What could possibly be wrong with smiling??? I don’t see the problem, people need to smile more. It is not my fault if you make me smile, wink, shake my booty, stick out my tongue and then run! It is just me. You love me, you love my spunk. So… what on earth could be the problem? You (Lee) say I am very good at distracting & negotiating. I know you find it cute, funny, and maybe a little irresistible. Maybe just maybe I am just trying to make sure we keep the fun playfulness in our marriage, I certainly wouldn’t be trying to get out of trouble. Lol!

When you are away it seems to me you don’t find me quite as funny and distracting, why is that? Why am I receiving these very long emails that you want to discuss? In these emails you are using words like manage, accountability, consistency, expect, loud & clear. In those big and BOLD unfriendly letters. I am thinking it is because you are thinking… I miss honey so much I must write her long detailed bossy emails so she knows I am thinking of her. Yep, that has to be it.

Thank you sweetie. I am so glad you are thinking of me and our marriage so much, but really now, I don’t need you to be getting all HOH’y and bossy for me to know you love me. I know without a doubt how much you love me, just as you know how much I love you!

I am so glad we got that all worked out now.

Love,

honey

AWOL

     It has been so long since I have written on my blog. We have been very busy the last couple of months. DD has been AWOL for the most part. We both know it, realize it, have spoke about it, are trying to get everything where it needs to be for us.

     Life does seem to sometimes override what you truly need, want and/or desire. Luckily we both know what has caused the absence and are trying to get all back on track, which can be a little difficult when it has been mostly absent.

     We have had many functions this time of year, we have had lots of company, and both of our jobs have been extremely busy. That in turn has made DD on & off again which is not good for me at all.

     I know I am loved, cherished and even adored without DD, but I am so much better with it actively consistently practiced. (It has not been totalIy absent BTW)but the on & off again will cause me to get off kilter a little without it, get in my own mind, do my own thing, and as Lee likes to say I tend to over think.

     We both have spoke much about this the last few days and are working on trying to get everything back to our “normal”. I am a little concerned since he is leaving again at the end of the week. When he is gone is when I can really lose my mind a little bit, but I did do great last time. So hopefully I will again.

     I know we all have those times when “real life” interferes with our own real life. I need to remember we have each other. “I have him”, just like “He has me”. We will get our “normal” back, because honestly we both know we cannot go back to the “OLD normal”, not even an option for us.