Friday, February 28, 2014

Misconceptions....

I have something that is really bothering me, I know it shouldn’t be and I probably really shouldn’t care, but I do care. I have made some IRL friends in what I call my chat home, and some people I have not met as of yet that I consider friends.
A simple comment was made one day that stated in many blogs this person read she found that many people who begin this lifestyle are in unhappy marriages, saving a marriage, bad relationships, etc. and DD is repairing them, instead of improving an already good relationship. That could be true for the most part I really don’t know.
 For myself I have had the kind of husband most of my friends want or think they want. A husband who has tried to always please me by making me happy. A man that has always been true to his word, caring, respectful, successful, and a very affectionate loving husband and I am not even going to speak on the dad he is but that part is pretty awesome also. I hate to say DD has saved our marriage but I do believe it has.
Lee had no idea I was having the emotions or feelings I was having about our marriage. I don’t know if it was a mid life crisis, if I was bored, overwhelmed, or if I wanted a change. But I needed one, as I have said before in my blog and on chat we were just letting life get in the way of nurturing our marriage.
 I wanted to be the best mom I could be, volunteer, room mom, team mom, dance mom, cheer mom, vbs teacher, etc I could go on and on. I wanted to be a great friend, be involved in the community and at church, I wanted to set an example for our kids, I actually somehow became a mom before I was a wife before I realized it.  Lee was always providing for us, never missing the cheering, dancing, piano, softball, swimming, choir, soccer, track, etc. He was their cheerleader, coach, homework helper, project assistant, etc.  All the while neither of us realizing we were neglecting “us”.
 One day many many years later Lee was traveling again and I discovered I felt lonely, bored, just like something was missing. Not because he was really neglecting me but because we both became so involved in other things and when we were together we really were not alone much of the time.
I don’t mean to keep rambling I guess I just want to make it clear yes our marriage was in trouble but not because of lack of love, respect, affection for one another. It was because we I guess neglected “us” but not intentional. We weren’t busy partying, playing video games, going out with our friends without one another all the time. No matter what the reason we still neglected the nurturing a marriage needs.  We did have a good marriage before DD, but “good” wasn’t good enough for me and I am guessing the way Lee has taken to DD and says we will never go back to the old way “good” wasn’t good enough for him either. I guess I just wanted to say not all marriages that are/were in trouble were bad marriages, they like DD have their own special unique individual flavor and mine is not vanilla.

8 comments:

  1. I really related to your post. I think a I could say the same for my marriage. And were not vanilla either ;)

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  2. I am learning more and more here you have to take everything with a grain of salt. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to change things up to make things even better, if we don't try to improve our lives aren't we in a sense settling?

    I am guilty of bringing dd in to try to "fix" our marriage, and it didn't work. Did we love each other, yes, did we respect each other, for the most part, did we have passion, totally... but something was lacking.

    It wasn't until recently when we got to a great place in our everyday lives that dd started helping us flourish. And I honestly don't see anything wrong with that.

    You took a GOOD marriage that had more potential and turned it into an AMAZING bond that cannot be broken. And that you should be proud of :)

    ~Tasha

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  3. Oh honey, I truly believe DD helps as many good marriages as it does floundering ones. Even before my own marriage started to flounder, I kept looking for ways to make our marriage the best it could be. And I believe many do. The truth is, we all want a great marriage, whether our marriage is already hard or is going quite well. :). Just like anything else with DD, it really never fits into one mold. :). It's different for us all, and why we start is different for us all too.

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

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  4. Trust- thank you, I just ramble sometimes but it makes me feel better to get it off my chest, I love your name!
    Tasha- thank you, I am happy your marriage is in a great place, and I am trying to take things with a grain of salt, I am proud of where our dynamic has brought us, it is amazing.
    EsMay- thank you also, I agree none of us fit in one mold (how boring would that be lol) we all have our own reasons for why we have chosen this dynamic from the people I have chatted with or read their blog the one thing I have noticed is it seems to have helped so many relationships. I know it has mine :)
    hugs
    honey

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  5. I know exactly what you mean. I read a lot of comments about DD saving 'bad' marriages, but not enough of the ones where DD just HELPED an already good marriage. I've been lucky enough to meet you in person, and I have to say you and Lee are an amazinggg couple. One I look up to, admire, and am glad to call my friends. :)

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  6. Awwweeeee! Thank you Kenzie, we feel the same way about you and Colin!
    honey

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  7. You know I'm in the boat of DD saving a marriage I think. We have always had the foundation of love, passion, friendship, and commitment to name a few things. But we were floundering and I think really headed towards disaster without DD. The power struggles in our relationship were undermining and destroying all of the wonderful things. It was like a bad virus running rampant in a body with healthy components. So I can relate to DD saving a marriage from ending in disaster. I can't say whether our marriage was good before. There was a lot of conflict for us, but we had the makings of a good marriage hidden under all of the conflict. I think I'm rambly and not making sense, but I am trying to make sense anyways! And as you ladies have already noted, I agree that it's just not a one size fits all thing. It might save some struggling marriages while it makes other struggling marriages worse. I guess it just has to be the right fit for that couple. It's definitely a fantastic fit for us and I'm thankful every day that we've found it!

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  8. Well said Honey. DD works for different people for different reasons. People bring it into their marriage for different reasons, but what I usually hear is that it improves a marriage whether it be a marriage that was already good and on track or one that needed a new direction. It doesn't really matter why it works...if it works it works. I agree with Kenzie that you and Lee are both great people (not to mention a blast to be around)!! Hope to see you guys again soon :)

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