Saturday, June 21, 2014

Rambling Thoughts & Feelings

     It has been a busy three weeks with Lee away, and then some days not so busy. I am feeling a little off this trip, not upset, mad, or sad, just off. I did so well the first week emailing him, filling in that spreadsheet, but the second week things were a little hectic around here, I also went out of town so I didn’t email him the spreadsheet. Then by this week I guess just out of the habit or just because I am feeling off I didn’t email it either. I have emailed him, we have talked I have told him my counts or my best estimate anyway. Just feeling a little off.
     Lee has let me know how disappointed he is and also I will be “dealt with” when he returns. I didn’t mean to disappoint him that was not deliberate. I am in my own little space right now and besides he is so far away. It is sometimes hard for me to feel his strength long distance and when he is gone for a period of time like this. Nothing he has done or not done, just me I think. I don’t like the feeling; it reminds me of the way it used to be a very long time ago. It is like I am in my own space (not honey’s world) just by myself, not really wanting to meet up with friends; I still do, just not really wanting to. It is that feeling like I am only accountable to me; well I am the only one here right now. I am one that does enjoy my alone time, it is important to me. I know I am rambling but sometimes writing out these crazy feelings of mine really helps.
     I am not even sure if I am a tih, I am so not submissive, well sometimes I am but not often. I do like that when he is home anyway; he is the leader, the HOH, the boss, the man! I love when he is home and hate when he is not. That says so much to me when it used to not phase me when he was gone.
     Wait… I think I am starting to feel better!
 I cannot be the perfect tih as hard as I may try, just impossible for me, and besides he would be bored with such a perfect tih, that is not what I strive for anyway. I do like to keep things fun, exciting, and maybe a little challenging. Everyone likes a good challenge. I don’t know how I will be “dealt with”. I have explained to him when he arrives home we will not be alone at all; we will be taking care of our daughter who is having surgery on Monday that will keep us very busy. Then we will be meeting some friends that I am just dying to see. I can hardly wait I am so excited about this trip.
     So as far as being “dealt with” that will have to be put on the back burner for awhile, as there is just no time and no privacy. Or maybe, just maybe… I will get a reprieve as I am sure he misses me so very much, and when I begin to work my “magic” he is sure to forget & forgive. 

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

For Lee... Smiling

What could possibly be wrong with smiling??? I don’t see the problem, people need to smile more. It is not my fault if you make me smile, wink, shake my booty, stick out my tongue and then run! It is just me. You love me, you love my spunk. So… what on earth could be the problem? You (Lee) say I am very good at distracting & negotiating. I know you find it cute, funny, and maybe a little irresistible. Maybe just maybe I am just trying to make sure we keep the fun playfulness in our marriage, I certainly wouldn’t be trying to get out of trouble. Lol!
When you are away it seems to me you don’t find me quite as funny and distracting, why is that? Why am I receiving these very long emails that you want to discuss? In these emails you are using words like manage, accountability, consistency, expect, loud & clear. In those big and BOLD unfriendly letters. I am thinking it is because you are thinking… I miss honey so much I must write her long detailed bossy emails so she knows I am thinking of her. Yep, that has to be it.
Thank you sweetie. I am so glad you are thinking of me and our marriage so much, but really now, I don’t need you to be getting all HOH’y and bossy for me to know you love me. I know without a doubt how much you love me, just as you know how much I love you!
I am so glad we got that all worked out now.


Sunday, June 1, 2014


     It has been so long since I have written on my blog. We have been very busy the last couple of months. DD has been AWOL for the most part. We both know it, realize it, have spoke about it, are trying to get everything where it needs to be for us.
     Life does seem to sometimes override what you truly need, want and/or desire. Luckily we both know what has caused the absence and are trying to get all back on track, which can be a little difficult when it has been mostly absent.
     We have had many functions this time of year, we have had lots of company, and both of our jobs have been extremely busy. That in turn has made DD on & off again which is not good for me at all.
     I know I am loved, cherished and even adored without DD, but I am so much better with it actively consistently practiced. (It has not been totalIy absent BTW)but the on & off again will cause me to get off kilter a little without it, get in my own mind, do my own thing, and as Lee likes to say I tend to over think.
     We both have spoke much about this the last few days and are working on trying to get everything back to our “normal”. I am a little concerned since he is leaving again at the end of the week. When he is gone is when I can really lose my mind a little bit, but I did do great last time. So hopefully I will again.
     I know we all have those times when “real life” interferes with our own real life. I need to remember we have each other. “I have him”, just like “He has me”. We will get our “normal” back, because honestly we both know we cannot go back to the “OLD normal”, not even an option for us.