I was encouraged by my friend today to post on my blog. I have had so many emotions since last night that I am just not familiar with. Some of you know that Lee travels and has for the past 12-13 years. Started out as once in the spring, and once in the fall for around 3 weeks sometimes a little longer. I slowly got used to this, when our children were younger I was fine the first week, second week a little tired, and by the third week I was getting mad. It was hard getting them to their different functions many times and I needed a break. Lee has always been a very loving and involved dad so it made it more difficult when he was away. Then last year he traveled the most he ever had. He was gone over 100 days between October and June. I quit counting after 100! I had grown quite accustomed to his traveling as a matter of fact after our children were older it really didn't bother me at all. Like not at all.
That now brings me to today. I couldn’t sleep last night last time I looked at the clock it was after 2:30 then of course I wake up before 7:00. I started to feel like the walls were coming in on me. I just want to get away from here.
Lee called and we talked for awhile before he was going to bed. He wanted to know an answer to one of the rules I am supposed to be following then he proceeded to tell me I was going to start having a bedtime. WHAT? You have got to be kidding! I let him know I didn’t like this idea and asked why? He said he doesn’t have to give me a reason but I will not be staying up until 2:00 a.m. during the week. That kind of made me mad but I know he is right.
Later I have no idea why, but I just start crying I mean sobbing like a baby. Now this is not my normal character at all, I rarely cry and if I do I have it under control. This was not the case today I could not stop. I wanted him here, I wanted him with me, I wanted him to take care of something he needs to take care of. I was mad at him for not being here, I was mostly mad at myself for crying like a baby. I was feeling “needy” I am not needy what is wrong with me????
After talking with a friend she said some things to me that made me think. This is a “good” thing. She said many helpful things but these are a few that resonated with me, “honey, you finally dropped your guard, your - I can do it myself and don’t really need anyone mentality, you have realized your position you are a strong woman who needs her strong man, you feel lost and scared.”
I feel better now and all my friends helped me get through a rough day that I had no idea I was capable of having. It has turned out to be a good day after all. Lee is what keeps me centered and accountable. I crave his control & dominance. I need him and most of all I love him.