I made the comment we still have our days of “Off & On”. The response from someone just beginning DD was how discouraging that was to hear and they would hope, at least ideally, that at some point it becomes who you are as a couple. I immediately let the person know it is just how we are, that some couples (I know maybe a handful) are always “On” in their dynamic and it is the way they are all of the time. We are just not like that.
I guess what I was trying to say is I as well as Lee can let things go or slide or not even really think much about it. There have been many times the last many months where something has “distracted” us from our lifestyle. Death has happened a couple of times, and ATM we are dealing with a health situation of someone that is of the utmost importance to us. Basically, for us that means, if I don’t keep my end of the bargain with the goals/rules we have agreed on; he doesn’t necessarily follow through on his end or mine for that matter lol; nothing happens. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t notice, it doesn’t mean I do not care. I believe it means there are much more important things going on that need our attention. He might mention, I have noticed ________ & _________. I understand you or we are both under a lot of stress right now, etc. He has let many things go that have to do with goals/rules.
I understand why and I understand that he can also be worried & stressed like I am. I do think being an HOH is a “tough” position to be in. I certainly wouldn’t want the position. (well maybe I do a few times a year) lol.
I do know for us, our goals/rules are not about me getting tasks completed. They are not about respect, that is a given in our relationship, we treat one another with respect. I when stressed at times can come across as a bit “short” with my words, or snarky. It is something I really try not to ever direct at him but it has happened.
He gets me, I get him. We understand one another & how we are both feeling. Some of the time, we need to both forget the goals/rules for a bit because there is something much more pressing that needs our attention. We do not usually talk about this, it usually just happens on its own. We do not usually say “Hey, the goals/rules are off the table right now”. It does not mean that we pay less attention to one another & the needs we both have. It doesn’t mean the silent treatment, it doesn’t mean ignore. It does mean we are there for one another whether talking at length about the situation, or holding one another. It means I share my fears, he shares his (he also has them, he also worries at times). He is an HOH, he is not Super Human. I am sure he needs my support & love just as much as I need his. It means that whatever the “important” issue is at the time has our focus and we both will do what ever needs to be done to help the situation, or give it our best shot.
The health issue we are dealing with is not over. There is not much we can really do until the next doctors appointment. I did send Lee an email it was a short one, not mean, not ugly, just short. Basically, saying Hey I know we are both dealing with this the best we can together. I am feeling way “off” and I realize we have been for a while. How do you feel? Of course his response is on the phone, the man never can simply email me back! He states he was planning on bringing this up tonight. I am thinking…. Really???? If so why I am I the one that brought it to your attention first? He says I did nothing to bring it to his attention. He was already planning on speaking about this tonight. Who knows?
Us being OFF doesn’t mean we don’t have one another, it doesn’t mean He is not HOH, it doesn’t mean I am all of a sudden the one in charge. It means basically he isn’t sp***ing my a$$ for not following through on our goals/rules. It means there is something going on that is very important & can be worrisome, and well scary that is more important than if I am eating right or drinking enough water. I believe for my or OUR relationship the support & love we give one another is much more important than goals/rules in our dynamic, the love is the core of our relationship. The dynamic is the icing on the cake.
So yes Our DD can some of the time have the Off & On times. I am okay with that, well until I am not LOL. (then I send a short lil email).