Sunday, April 19, 2015


     I feel like we are at the end of a journey tonight. I know much has to do with him being away for so long and before he left there were many reasons we were not our “normal” selves. Sometimes I believe you get to a point to where you think… Is this ever going to work for more than a few months. It is on it is off and then repeat. I tonight am finished repeating. I am not mad or upset just accepting of the fact. That is scary in itself, for me when I just accept something even something I do not like, I am usually not very silent about it, when I do become silent that pretty much means well I am just done.
      I do not know what the future holds. I do not know how this will play out. I do know this lifestyle brought us much closer together, improved the intimacy, and the passion I felt I had not felt in a very long time. I won’t say those things are gone they are just in a secret hiding place that I can’t seem to find.
     It makes me wonder for those that have tried without success to get their partner on board. Is it harder to start stop and repeat? Maybe it is harder to never start when it is something you truly desire, want or even need. I have always felt so bad for those that can’t seem to make their partner understand how important this is to them. I also feel bad for the ones that had a relationship only to have it not work out and have to start over.
     There are so many positives about this relationship, but I certainly believe if not done correctly there are just as many negatives. 


  1. And so you found the cliff .....
    I'm not so sure this trip is any different from the others except life was good then chaotic. We always say life gets in the way sometimes and it's hard to hold on. Things always look better when he's finally home whether it's completely normal or a little chaotic. I hope you find your happy place, where the good stuff is hiding away. It's there, I think you stopped looking for it. Get up, dust off your shorts and go look for it so when he comes home, you can share it with him again.

    1. I just love you, "And so you found the cliff"
      Yes I did, it was an accident though, I wasn't looking for it, I think it found me.

  2. I get it . I got it, and sadly I live it. While Barney isn't physically away, this injury has put him/me away. I think the reasoning for 'being done' or shutting off is the fact that it is easier to not FEEL that way. The constant pushing and pulling back and forth is challenging.

    As for life getting in the way, I once read somewhere, it isn't life getting in the way, THIS IS LIFE....difficult to explain to someone who doesn't appear to feel the same way as you do, but I think that is our greatest issue. This is supposed to be our life now. The other things are issues, but not excuses to drop the ball....all everyone's part......Yeah I'm not so great at that over a long period of time either.

    I think Erika is right, once Lee comes home, things will return to a new normal again. It is just so very challenging to be submissive and feel connected when you are alone.

    1. I believe you are correct in saying it is Easier to not FEEL, I know Lee isn't happy with my post, he says we are not going back, well I am just feeling strange so we will see. He says he has "plans" well I hope they work into mine because I have plans also LOL! I do wonder can I feel the way I did before, because this time it is a bit different normally I am emotional or grouchy pants when he has been gone, this time just kind of accepting of this is where we are.

  3. Hi Ashley. I've been at the quiet, just done place myself. Tried to convince myself I didn't want/need this and because the start-stop hurts so bad I promised myself I wouldn't do this again. One big attitude problem and trip over Jordan's knee, fighting it big time but getting spanked anyways and all that tough stuff goes out the window. I crave his discipline so much that when it is there I can't resist it. As far as easier never having it or starting and stopping... In my opinion, I often wish we had never even started. Then it wouldn't hurt so bad when it wasn't there. {hugs} <3 Lilly