Saturday, January 23, 2016


It has been quite a long time since I wrote on my blog or my personal diary. I guess there just hasn’t been a whole helluvalot to say.
We had a wonderful holiday spent with family & friends, we went to Biloxi to do a bit of relaxing, I had a great time playing & won a lil bit of money. We both did actually!
I have started a new job recently, it has had its ups & downs. I well I guess we have been quite busy the past few months. Lee had traveled back in October, a few of my sweet DD friends came for one weekend, it was great to see them and just laze around talking up a storm. I did receive a pretty remarkable email from Lee that weekend. I even shared it with my girlfriends; it was like what I truly needed to hear from him as “our” DD had kinda taken a backseat for quite awhile. He returned home and well sometime later he mentioned the email. I am not sure if I have grown or maybe just kinda realized “it is what it is”. Before… I would have bratted or brought it to his attention that I was feeling as if DD wasn’t a part of us anymore. I had just become accepting of the fact. When he did bring it up, basically saying “I really feel we need to get back on track”. I in my head am thinking I really hope you mean it, but if you don’t I am okay just the same. We have had the same conversation over & over & over again nothing really new in that.
It seems like it starts and stops constantly, I have said my peace and very respectfully and without any hard feelings. As difficult as it is to admit those “On & Off” times are just getting to be just a bit much for me.
It also baffles me how after quite a bit of time without DD really seeming to be in our life or very little of it, he can say all the right things, know & admit his short comings and give some of the best advice I have heard to others. I respect the fact that he will openly admit our “truths” I have always thought of him as a man of honor. His honesty plays a big part of that. I do admire the fact that he is not one to “pretend” he doesn’t pretend to be a great HOH/Dom he admits he does the best he can and sometimes fails. I know him to be someone of great character & strength. I admire these qualities that are all quite important to me.

SO with that being said, I am accepting of the fact that I do the best I can, he does the best he can. I know for me this lifestyle is very important, something I want & desire, even the bad stuff. I am now wondering though is it the same for him? I spoke with a friend of mine who knows me quite well, I expressed my feelings and after our talk, I wondered is he a chameleon? Is he one that changes depending on mood and/or communication? I know some chameleons cannot change and some have limited ability to change.

I have always thought of him to be his true self. He has never seemed to be anyone less than honest, forthright, and of great character. I just hope with me the one bringing DD I didn’t cause him to become maybe a bit of a chameleon. I never thought of it like this before as heck he sp***** me once maybe twice before we were ever even married or knew what DD even was. It is more important to me that we both stay true to ourselves. That truth is more important than any lifestyle I might desire. It is just well the TRUTH.

1 comment:

  1. I think sometimes when we 'TiH's are struggling because the level of our needs are not what we actually NEED them to be, this is a common thought. Well maybe not the actual lizard thing :) but the fact that maybe he is just doing what I need/desire/want. Or maybe that when he is 'on' he is merely caught up in the moment.

    As you know me quite well you know that I have been down this path many a time. This is the insecurity I referred to in my last post. While I can put on the 'I am fine with it, either way face'....deep down if I am truthful to myself, I know I am not fine. Why else would I be repeating it over and over again? Most likely to convince my inner self what my outer self might be projecting.

    I know you hate this but if truth and being true to yourselves is truly ( gosh that is a lot of truths) how you feel, then you need to tell your husband what is wrong when he asks. Not "I'm good." or " I'm fine". This is something I have done and still do on occasion. If you are climbing the walls- say it. Say, " I don't want to push you to be someone you are not but I AM NOT FINE. I am stressed b/c of my new job. I feel like Dd isn't a priority to you. I feel......." ( or whatever it is you DO feel). Because maybe, just maybe he's not a chameleon, maybe he's just Mr. Magoo ( jk Lee). Maybe he is seeing what you are projecting out now, and it is so very different from the past when you admit you used to 'brat'.

    Perhaps the questions from Lee shouldn't be 'are you okay" or "is anything wrong" but " tell me what is happening inside of you" " Tell me how you are feeling within the context of our dynamic today". And perhaps those questions should demand answers. Because if you are anything like me *cough, cough* you are not initially going to open up. And if he is anything like Barney, initially he'll take you at face value. BUT that doesn't help anyone does it? just gets us filling in the blanks with doubts, on both sides I'd imagine. Those doubts may have him stopping with you, but still able to inform others on what should be done in a general context. Or you know, maybe not. Just something to think on anyway