Rambling Thoughts & Feelings

     It has been a busy three weeks with Lee away, and then some days not so busy. I am feeling a little off this trip, not upset, mad, or sad, just off. I did so well the first week emailing him, filling in that spreadsheet, but the second week things were a little hectic around here, I also went out of town so I didn’t email him the spreadsheet. Then by this week I guess just out of the habit or just because I am feeling off I didn’t email it either. I have emailed him, we have talked I have told him my counts or my best estimate anyway. Just feeling a little off.

     Lee has let me know how disappointed he is and also I will be “dealt with” when he returns. I didn’t mean to disappoint him that was not deliberate. I am in my own little space right now and besides he is so far away. It is sometimes hard for me to feel his strength long distance and when he is gone for a period of time like this. Nothing he has done or not done, just me I think. I don’t like the feeling; it reminds me of the way it used to be a very long time ago. It is like I am in my own space (not honey’s world) just by myself, not really wanting to meet up with friends; I still do, just not really wanting to. It is that feeling like I am only accountable to me; well I am the only one here right now. I am one that does enjoy my alone time, it is important to me. I know I am rambling but sometimes writing out these crazy feelings of mine really helps.

     I am not even sure if I am a tih, I am so not submissive, well sometimes I am but not often. I do like that when he is home anyway; he is the leader, the HOH, the boss, the man! I love when he is home and hate when he is not. That says so much to me when it used to not phase me when he was gone.

     Wait… I think I am starting to feel better!

 I cannot be the perfect tih as hard as I may try, just impossible for me, and besides he would be bored with such a perfect tih, that is not what I strive for anyway. I do like to keep things fun, exciting, and maybe a little challenging. Everyone likes a good challenge. I don’t know how I will be “dealt with”. I have explained to him when he arrives home we will not be alone at all; we will be taking care of our daughter who is having surgery on Monday that will keep us very busy. Then we will be meeting some friends that I am just dying to see. I can hardly wait I am so excited about this trip.

     So as far as being “dealt with” that will have to be put on the back burner for awhile, as there is just no time and no privacy. Or maybe, just maybe… I will get a reprieve as I am sure he misses me so very much, and when I begin to work my “magic” he is sure to forget & forgive.