Monday, August 26, 2013

Anxiety!! Really? Me?

          Me rambling again! Lee is gone I am home, feeling kinda lonely and just all twisted up inside. I have always been a very independent person actually my whole life. It has never bothered me much when Lee traveled, at first of course it did some, but then I just became used to it. Didn’t really think twice about it when he was gone, he has always been able to work his schedule around anything that might be important for him to attend, and there has really been nothing I couldn’t handle. So why this feeling of anxiety? I had it the last time he left but only a day or two.
          The day he left it started, just a lil bitty uneasy feeling inside creeping up but then I could shoot it back down, Saturday morning it started again… so I decided a little retail therapy might do the trick, it was a success. Sunday was a great day stayed busy all day (down time is not good for me). This morning started off great and then a few hours ago that feeling started inching its way out again!!! I don’t like it at all!
          I feel very needy, emotional, lost, and lonely. I feel my heart racing, I can feel this weight on my chest, I feel like I just want to run or scream. It doesn't make sense. I talk to him twice a day even text some, and sometimes might see him in chat. This just needs to stop, like now already! I cannot become this kind of person.
          A dear friend reminded me that at my age (I am no spring chicken) even though most days I feel much younger than I am, that my body is going through so many changes right now. I am really hoping that this is what is causing the anxiousness I am feeling because I don’t want the cause to be Lee traveling. That makes me seem just too dang needy.
          I do miss him terribly and I hate arriving home to an empty home, I used to love that alone time so much, I actually cherished it when I had it. Now it seems I just want to be with him, I don’t need my alone time like I used to.

          Is this a good thing? I want to be with my husband, I want him here to hold me, hug me, kiss me, talk with me, and yes if I deserve it even sp*** me! Is this a bad thing, have I become some needy, emotional, crazy? I am not sure yet good or bad, but I am sure glad I miss him, and I know he misses me too!!!

Monday, August 19, 2013


          Yes, I said it, now how in the world do you ask for it??? I am probably going to be all over the place writing this so I apologize in advance. As some of you know I recently started a new job and I am so happy to say I think so far I actually love it! The hard part is when I get home, so many things to do just normal things but I am used to having some down time or “me” time is what I like to call it.
          Today was very busy and got off to a terrible start. I was almost late for work because I couldn’t get Lee’s dog in the car to take to the vet, finally he got in. Then things just kept getting worse, traffic, phone never stopped ringing at work, went over my count, knowing Lee is leaving for 3 more weeks in a few days, etc. I could go on and on.
          I am grouchy I am stressed (when things don’t run smoothly I get a lil outta sorts). How in the world do I think or know a sp****** might help relieve some of this pressure I feel? How come he doesn’t see that I need one? Must I tell him? I don’t want to tell him, I want him to know. I know I have heard it a million times they are not mind readers, but can’t you feel my stress by the way I am acting, I am polite but quiet, I have short answers, not to be rude, I just don’t feel like talking. I am kinda just by myself, sometimes I need that time and sometimes I need him to know I need him. Why is it so hard for me to tell him?
          I don’t seem to have a difficult time telling him anything else whether he wants to hear it or not. I am not good at keeping anything bottled up for very long, and if I do well eventually I just explode.
          Last night we had a conversation, he said to me, “honey, I can read you like a book”. He gave me many examples of how well he does read me. But tonight he didn’t read so well! I know he is busy getting ready for his trip, I know he has much on his mind. I am trying to be understanding and patient, I don’t even think he realizes how much my patience has improved in the last seven months. Well, maybe he has, if I were him I would have noticed!
          I love how this lifestyle has brought us closer together, we talk more, we listen more, we are much more affectionate, we both feel closer than we ever have before. I just wish I didn’t have such a hard time expressing this sp****** part to him. I have grown so much over the last several months maybe as time goes by I will get more comfortable and be able to ask, or maybe just maybe… he will just know!!!! Yep, that’s what I am hoping for, I want him to just know!

Monday, August 12, 2013

Let’s Make A Deal!

It has been awhile since I have blogged. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say because I have so many feelings, emotions, and things on my mind, I just don’t know where to start. Like today for instance…
          Many of you know one of mine & Lee’s goals is for me to quit smoking, omgosh it is so difficult. I am allowed x number of cigarettes a day. It is decreased by one a week. If I go over the specified amount then I am “in trouble”. BIG TROUBLE.
          Well, I went over, so I am due AGAIN, I just got “in trouble” on Friday actually that was what Lee called my final installment payment for the times I went over when he was out of town. There is no way I could have been sp***** that many times and walked the next day, if we didn’t do it in installments. We have to work around our princess’s schedule and she has been home quite a bit lately, lucky me! J
          That sp****** was the worst ever!!! No warm up that time, none at all. He said I keep breaking our agreement (by accident of course) and needs to give me something to remind me that going over my limit has a consequence one that I should not forget.
          Tonight she will be leaving and he said we will take care of your “count” as he calls it later tonight. I begged, I pleaded, I asked can we just not, I don’t think I can handle this again so soon. He looked at me with that cute grin he always has and said, “Let’s make a deal, I won’t sp*** you, if you will go the next two days, lowering your count by 1 each day, but if you go over you are getting sp*****! Plus 10 more for not sticking to the deal.”
          No way! I can barely keep within my limit now and to decrease it more… well that’s just absurd. Why would I take a chance to get 10 extra??? Nope not me! So I will take my sp******, like a big girl, well probably not really. I will ever so slowly walk up the stairs, I will beg, I will jump up & down, I will ask can I just leave my panties on, and then I will eventually get into position. OUCH!!!!!!
          Lee reminds me consistency is extremely important and he is bound and determined to be a consistent HOH! Yes dear, I know consistency is important but can you just not be so consistent this time????