Appreciating the Differences

Have you ever noticed some Blogs you seem to relate to more than others? I have not read blogs for quite a while. I mean I have a few that I do read, but I used to read so very many of them. There were of course some that I enjoyed much more than others.

I think at the start of DD I read Blogs because I enjoyed reading about other DD relationships and I could relate to many of the authors. Most of the blogs I read no longer exist, I am wondering if it is because they no longer needed them, or maybe they were worried about their anonymity. Maybe they just started living their DD or D/s life and needed not to talk about it because it became truly exactly what they needed/wanted. I do miss some of those Blogs. I appreciated all of the Blogs I read when we were starting out they did help me understand that I was Not totally Crazy.

There are Blogs that have changed over time as they changed in their dynamic, the Blogs took a turn as they should, growth in the relationship would reflect that in the writing.

My Blog really has been more of a diary for me, to look back at where we came from, or to see how far we have or have not grown. I rarely write on my Blog. It is not that I really don’t have the time I write in my personal diary more often though.

I have found some Blogs to have almost a fictitious feel to them, for me anyway. Almost like a story possibly a fantasy. In my experience with being you know kinda, sorta, somewhat NEW the fairy tale stories are Fun to read and I enjoy them some of the time. I actually prefer my books to be more fantasy and blogs I enjoy are the ones that show the good times as well as the bad times. I find those to be more of what I relate to.

The friends I speak with all go through many many tough times, in this dynamic. I find when talking many of us have the same issues I am not sure that is the correct word, but I find that we have many of the same or similar thoughts, the same worries, the same frustrations. I also find we have the same or similar joyful feeling when things are going Great. 

For me it is important to realize this dynamic isn’t all me (future post) nor is it all about Lee being tuned in to me, my ever single thought, need, or always being in HOH/Dom mode. It isn’t Sp******’s and some Hot Knight in Shining Armor grabbing me up and throwing me on the bed sp****** my a$$ and then making mad passionate love. That sounded all great but in reality my reality that can happen but it is so much more than that. There are many tough times, there are many times when I feel unsure, when I feel almost lost inside my head with thoughts, questions and concerns. That to me is my normal it is not always a BED of ROSES, paddles, implements, toys, rope, restraints, or feeling that Uh Oh feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I know for me the Blogs that I can relate to are usually ones that show things are not always Perfect. Since beginning this lifestyle I have cried more in the last three years than I did in our entire marriage. I have been frustrated, I have been mad, I have also had the Best three years in my life. That makes no sense at all, but it is true. I just know for me to read especially when first researching and beginning DD, I had some wonderful Blogs that really helped me to understand different aspects, perspectives, and how every single relationship is different and based on what each relationship needs/wants. I wish some of the "newer" people had those to read.

We all have our own preferences in reading Blogs, whether they are the Adventurous, the Boastful, the Confused, the Demanding, the Expert, the Fantasy, the Friend, the Funny, the Grateful, the Helpful, the Informative, the Judgmental, the Kinky, the Long winded, the Masochist, the Needy, the Obedient, the Passionate, the Player, the Quick Witted, the Rebel, the Seductive, the Sexual, the Sp******, the Thoughtful, the Unique, the Vulnerable, the Wicked, the Yielding, the Zestful and so many more.  We each have our own favorites I think maybe that depends on where you are at that moment in your relationship, I guess it is ever changing.

FRAUD!

I feel a bit different today in writing this. For those of you that are just beginning never think this lifestyle is a bed of ROSES! It is not. BTW I am not fond of roses. Lol

The envelopes that Lee left me really truly helped me to feel closer while he was away.

There was a PROBLEM though he was not nearly as engaged as I was. We all have our moments to be disengaged for one reason or another. His was pretty well… Shocking.

I have always felt loved, cherished, and adored, not so much right now. I do know the man is as human as I am, with that we all make mistakes we all F*** up! Some much worse than others.

All I am saying is Do not ever put anyone on a Pedestal ever, you might just be shocked at how they should not be on that pedestal at all. You in your mind put them there, they did not ask to be put there.

I do love my DD people so much!!!

And The Envelope Please…

 It has been quite a long time since I have written on my blog. I am thinking that is a “Good” thing. Maybe it just means things are just going along quite nicely. WRONG! Lol.

Actually things have been quite well, we have managed for the most part to stay on course well lately we have. We like most everyone else I speak with have our ups & downs, on & offs. We deal with those “real life” situations like everyone else.

Lee is traveling for work and has been away 20 days, only one more to go! This trip seems to have went by quicker than the previous ones. I think mostly because I have been a bit busier, and on the weekends I have had something to do for two out of the three. I have my DD friends who have been great about checking in with me, sending me funny messages, texts and phone calls, you guys have no idea how much easier you make it when he is away so long. You are the most amazing Support Group! Thank you!

This time in his travels away, I felt Lee was a bit more engaged while he was away. Before he left, he had I guess I would call it a list of things he wanted me to do or work on while he was away. These were not all tasks some were FUN things he wanted me to do while he was away. We discussed them, well he discussed, I listened. He knows me, I get Bored very easily, and then when I get bored it is not always a Good thing. I can let my mind wander and go to places it really has no place going.

One of the things Lee did different on this trip was he left me seven sealed envelopes. He instructed me to not open any of them until the week before he arrived home. I have to say I have Surprised myself as I have only opened one of them before I should have!

I had no idea what was inside the envelopes, I just know it is a request/order of something he wants me to do. I really kinda find it exciting! I also feel how damn thoughtful. I know it is something so simple, but it just meant to me… he is really trying to let me feel his presence while 8000 miles away.

I opened Envelope #1- (they are in no particular order he said, but they are numbered???) I did open this one actually the night before I should have. Talk about disappointment, the request/order was to make sure there were clean sheets on the bed when he arrived home. REALLY??? I mean I have always done that, always! OK well maybe that is kinda Payback for opening the envelope earlier than I should have. KARMA

Envelope #2-WOW this one is a bit different! There were explicit instructions, on me planning a meal for his arrival, what I am to be wearing, how my hair is to be styled, and the candles are to be lit. (I wonder does planning mean cooking? I am sure it doesn’t otherwise he would have said cook a meal) lol!

Envelope #3-This request/order was again kinda like envelope #1 something I would do anyway, it is a bit of pampering myself, that is always nice, nothing like a good mani/pedi and well one other thing that I chose to do on my own at the start of this but it seems like it is something he likes very much now. It isn’t the same relaxing feeling as a mani/pedi but the results are sooo worth it IMO, must be his opinion also. He then goes on to tell me a few things that will happen the night he arrives home! (He will be exhausted, I know this man)

Envelope #4-UGH! I am not sure I will be able to complete this one before he arrives home. Send him an email about what my wildest dreams or an experience I think about. He wants Details! That can be kinda sexy and at the same time a lil unnerving for me anyway, heck maybe for him also. If he only knew, Lol

Envelope #5-Surprised! I am really surprised about this one, it is a bit much to talk about, it has to do with well “FUN” stuff but something I have not done before without him. He even gives a specific time to do this.

Envelope #6-Shocked! No way can I do this at work! I don’t even have enough experience with this to feel comfortable with it. I think we have used this once maybe twice and that didn’t really work out very well. I must talk to him about this, I just can’t. It sounds like it could be FUN but more Fun at home and with him, I will need to talk about this with him. He agreed that I can wait until he is home and he is more than Happy to assist me!

Envelope #7-L Wear my hair up at work all day!!! UGH, I know he loves my hair up, I do not like my hair up, but being kinda sorta somewhat an almost Perfect tih I certainly will honor his request/order.

Basically the way this envelope thing as simple as it is. The result made me really feel him near me, making his requests/orders. I believe it made me know how much thought he put into this. I know these are simple or things that most people would find silly or not necessary, but for me it meant he took the time to think this out, made the effort, and try really hard to keep us connected when so far apart from one another.

I realized that even with the simplest basic requests/orders he by doing this made me feel “special”. Now don’t get me wrong he has always made me feel pretty special, loved, & cherished. Maybe the word would be engaged, it can be very difficult for me to feel his presence when we are away from one another for so long.

 Now it has me thinking… What can I do for him to let him know how special he is to me, how I love, appreciate & cherish him. I believe it is just as important to let your HOH know what they mean to you. They shouldn’t just be “doing” for you, that seems quite selfish and rather unfulfilling for the HOH IMO. It Makes me want to step up a bit more, and let him have these same wonderful feelings I do. It really meant more to me than I realized. Thank You Lee! 

Chameleon

It has been quite a long time since I wrote on my blog or my personal diary. I guess there just hasn’t been a whole helluvalot to say.

We had a wonderful holiday spent with family & friends, we went to Biloxi to do a bit of relaxing, I had a great time playing & won a lil bit of money. We both did actually!

I have started a new job recently, it has had its ups & downs. I well I guess we have been quite busy the past few months. Lee had traveled back in October, a few of my sweet DD friends came for one weekend, it was great to see them and just laze around talking up a storm. I did receive a pretty remarkable email from Lee that weekend. I even shared it with my girlfriends; it was like what I truly needed to hear from him as “our” DD had kinda taken a backseat for quite awhile. He returned home and well sometime later he mentioned the email. I am not sure if I have grown or maybe just kinda realized “it is what it is”. Before… I would have bratted or brought it to his attention that I was feeling as if DD wasn’t a part of us anymore. I had just become accepting of the fact. When he did bring it up, basically saying “I really feel we need to get back on track”. I in my head am thinking I really hope you mean it, but if you don’t I am okay just the same. We have had the same conversation over & over & over again nothing really new in that.

It seems like it starts and stops constantly, I have said my peace and very respectfully and without any hard feelings. As difficult as it is to admit those “On & Off” times are just getting to be just a bit much for me.

It also baffles me how after quite a bit of time without DD really seeming to be in our life or very little of it, he can say all the right things, know & admit his short comings and give some of the best advice I have heard to others. I respect the fact that he will openly admit our “truths” I have always thought of him as a man of honor. His honesty plays a big part of that. I do admire the fact that he is not one to “pretend” he doesn’t pretend to be a great HOH/Dom he admits he does the best he can and sometimes fails. I know him to be someone of great character & strength. I admire these qualities that are all quite important to me.

SO with that being said, I am accepting of the fact that I do the best I can, he does the best he can. I know for me this lifestyle is very important, something I want & desire, even the bad stuff. I am now wondering though is it the same for him? I spoke with a friend of mine who knows me quite well, I expressed my feelings and after our talk, I wondered is he a chameleon? Is he one that changes depending on mood and/or communication? I know some chameleons cannot change and some have limited ability to change.

I have always thought of him to be his true self. He has never seemed to be anyone less than honest, forthright, and of great character. I just hope with me the one bringing DD I didn’t cause him to become maybe a bit of a chameleon. I never thought of it like this before as heck he sp***** me once maybe twice before we were ever even married or knew what DD even was. It is more important to me that we both stay true to ourselves. That truth is more important than any lifestyle I might desire. It is just well the TRUTH.

Ain’t No Other Man!

     OMGosh! I have so much to say. As usual, I will be all over the map. Lee & I went on vacation ~ the same vacation we have taken every summer since starting DD. We stayed in a nice trailorminium for 12 days at a gorgeous campground on the beach. It has become one of my favorite getaways that we do each year. I think why I it like so much is, the fact it is just the two of us, spending quality time together.

     We spend most of our time laying & walking on the beach. This time I didn’t go in the water as much, the huge sea rays kind of ruined it for me. While we are there, we go out and eat~fresh seafood which is a must. We also rode bikes, listened to music, met some people from different parts of the country, and (one of my favorite things to do) go listen to live music & dance. The best part, it is just us doing things we enjoy together. I honestly think this getaway is something Lee does for me. He loves the beach as much as I do, but I am sure he would like to play a lil more golf or fish.  He did play golf and we did hang out with some family & friends a couple of the days, I mean we have to watch SEC football and who better to watch with than rival fans? LOL!

     During this trip my sister was having a Party (White Party), you never want to miss a Party in our family. We can really throw a Party. The night before Lee & I went out dancing needless to say I had a blast but also a bit too much to drink. The next day I don’t think I even started moving until noon, I certainly didn’t want to attend a Party, but I knew I had to be there. Driving there I said, “Let’s not stay too long, she won’t miss us, really there will be many people there. Lee just said, “We will see”.

     When we arrive, I notice there were cars all up and down the street. I got out of the car and my sister opened her front door (I have never walked through the front door). She had black on cute little number~ but it’s black. I said, “You have black on!” She said, “You want to know why?” at that point, Lee steps up takes my hand and said “I have been planning this with your sister for a year” I can’t remember all he said, what did register was “We are renewing our vows” as my sister handed me the most beautiful bouquet. I was shocked stunned speechless (rarely happens) My sister then walks out the back door. Lee kissed me and said, “I love you” took my hand and we walked out the side door. The first thing I saw was a beautiful table with flowers and a picture of our wedding. Next to that table was my wedding dress on a mannequin. WOW!

     Lee led me out to the backyard, the tears were just streaming down my face and I couldn’t make them stop. There was a band playing music as we walk as well. It was beautiful I honestly did not really see anyone standing it was all such a blur. We walked up to a beautiful arch decorated with flowers. There stood a pastor (do we even know a pastor anymore). It was incredible. After we were almost done renewing our vows, the pastor asked us to remove our wedding rings. I am a lil confused but then OMGosh Lee pulled a box out of his pocket. I didn’t mean for it to come out so loudly but “You got me a NEW ring???”  came flying out at top volume. YES he did and damn is it beautiful! After we kissed, I turn around to see my family & friends.

     We drank, we danced, and we have a beautiful “renewal” cake. There were toasts, and presents as well. It was just like a real wedding and he did this for me… for us. I know there is no way he could have done this without all of the help of my lil sister. I am the luckiest woman in the world.

     I cannot express how much this meant to me. I just can’t find the words. All of the work, planning, the love, that went into this beautiful ceremony. To be able to keep me in the total dark that is a feat in itself. I am never surprised, I always figure things out, well not this time. I love this man of mine so much. I love that he is who he is. I love that he shows me what I mean to him. I love he is not afraid to show his Romantic side and sensitive side. I love that he is mine and I am so grateful ~ even if he does sp*** my a$$ every now and then. LOL!

     I just want to sing that song “Ain’t No Other Man”

DAY DRINKING!

     I really am not sure quite how to start this post other than to say I have noticed some changes in myself since starting DD. The changes mostly have been good changes for our relationship, actually Great is a better word. There is one change though that has me a little concerned. DD & Drinking… do they go hand in hand for me anyway?

     Let me back up, I am was a social drinker. If we had friends over & everyone was drinking I might have a drink or two many times not even finishing a glass of wine or whatever I happened to have. If we go out to a bar/club it seems if I have to “pay” for it I can and do drink much more especially if there is dancing and a band playing. I love live music and I also love to dance. We do not or did not go out every weekend the past many years but we do on occasion and on those occasions of music playing and dancing your tail off until you are glistening I always drink more.

     Something changed since starting DD though. Actually I know it started when I first brought DD to Lee. I started having a glass of wine after work during the week. I personally rarely ever drank during the week unless we or I was out with someone for dinner and might have a glass of wine. I never drank at home during the week after work, I don’t see anything wrong with it, I just didn’t. Lee has always had a beer or glass of wine at night as long as I can remember, maybe not every night but most of them. I never have thought anything about it because well my whole family drinks as do most of my local friends and I believe most of them have a beer or glass of wine sometime in the evening.

     Well over time I have noticed~well hell I just know I am drinking too much during the week. That one glass of wine can turn into three now has been four and well that is just a bit much I am now thinking. I know it is. I am not drunk. I am usually home around 6:00 and go to bed between 11:00 and midnight. That is many hours, but still to be drinking that much every night can get expensive. Unfortunately it is not the “Red wine that is so good for you”. It is white or limearita’s. Heck two of those used to kick my butt.

     Lee & I have talked recently about this. Why do I feel the need to drink during the week now? I had a difficult time explaining this to him, but I tried. Basically I said, I am not sure if I can live this lifestyle without drinking. Yes I know, WHAT? Well, I feel more submissive and I seem to let my walls down much easier when I have a glass or two in me. I can talk more freely & open not feeling as embarrassed as I sometimes can. I am more Free and willing. I want this lifestyle and I love some of the kinkier parts that have resulted from it too. I just have a very difficult time explaining/opening up to him.

      Lee is not a hard man to talk to, these are my issues. He is very receptive and he does listens, he actually has become very good at reading between the lines.

      I have also talked to a few DD girlfriends about this.  Some do drink but rarely, some have been in the same place I am in. One who always has a way with words explained it to me like this. “Once you can 'talk to him', 'sober' then he will know you have a trust in him, because you feel comfortable with him” She went on to say “Well I think that (sadly) booze brings down our inhibitions like nothing else; however the real freedom and vulnerability comes when we leave that 'easy road' behind, and actually try on our own. See the wine exposes one's true self, but...BUT that person IS in there the key and greatest growth is to get that person out out of WILL not WINE” I just love how she says things much better than I do.

     Lee and I have talked about this more in depth. I like the plan he came up with. He also let me know Drinking & DD do not go hand in hand and won’t for us anyway. Mmmmm, I wonder… how well this is going to work for me?  

p.s. I do love the song Day Drinking! 

Repeat!

     I feel like we are at the end of a journey tonight. I know much has to do with him being away for so long and before he left there were many reasons we were not our “normal” selves. Sometimes I believe you get to a point to where you think… Is this ever going to work for more than a few months. It is on it is off and then repeat. I tonight am finished repeating. I am not mad or upset just accepting of the fact. That is scary in itself, for me when I just accept something even something I do not like, I am usually not very silent about it, when I do become silent that pretty much means well I am just done.

      I do not know what the future holds. I do not know how this will play out. I do know this lifestyle brought us much closer together, improved the intimacy, and the passion I felt I had not felt in a very long time. I won’t say those things are gone they are just in a secret hiding place that I can’t seem to find.

     It makes me wonder for those that have tried without success to get their partner on board. Is it harder to start stop and repeat? Maybe it is harder to never start when it is something you truly desire, want or even need. I have always felt so bad for those that can’t seem to make their partner understand how important this is to them. I also feel bad for the ones that had a relationship only to have it not work out and have to start over.

     There are so many positives about this relationship, but I certainly believe if not done correctly there are just as many negatives.