Milestones!

    We are in a good place. NO! I take that back, we are in a great place! It is not perfect but it is perfect for us right now. I think tonight about all of the obstacles we have overcome. How much our love and relationship has grown even though we have been together almost half of my life!

    I knew DD could maybe possibly help us. I had no idea how much though. It has surpassed all that I could possibly have imagined. Now I am not saying that it is going to stay that way because as I have learned over the last year and a half, it is ever changing. As we also change or grow. There are ups and downs, highs and lows, but regardless we have learned to work together through the lows and truly enjoy and embrace the highs.

     This weekend was a milestone for us well it was for me anyway. It wasn’t planned, rehearsed, even thought about. It was a beautiful morning just a little too cold for me, while we were just beginning our day we started talking. Now don’t get me wrong, we always talk, but this talk just kinda took a life of its own. I am not sure how it even began.  I have never had an issue saying what I feel really well… until we started DD. I actually became embarrassed to discuss certain things and pretty much have been that way since the start. If I had a difficult time expressing my feelings about something, when I had the courage, I would email Lee. I did so much better in emails. One thing about my emails I do not edit or proofread them, I type what is exactly in my head at the moment and go with it. It is one of the few times I try not to overthink. Lee says I overthink things. I do not try to make it sound good or bad. I just tell it like it is, the way I feel. Mostly it has nothing to do with Lee, it is just my feelings about what might be going on at the time.

     This problem I have of not being able to actually talk to him about something that might seem embarrassing or taboo has made some talk difficult. I know, I know, how in the world can anything be taboo, my gosh woman the man sp**** you! Well some things just are.

     We both just seemed to open up and say what we felt. We just started talking it wasn’t scheduled, planned, or even something I had planned to bring up. It just happened. We both talked about how we have grown, how things have changed, and some things we both want to explore further. We both spoke of thoughts and desires we have, most of them most private. Lee was receptive to mine as well as me being receptive to his. It was actually a lil funny how so many things we both desire neither really told the other. Yes there were some things he had told me or spoken about in the past, but usually when something came up that I was a little uncomfortable or embarrassed by would be hard to discuss, I would get quiet so some of the time we would end up just skimming the topic. Remember I was Vanilla! This time I was totally comfortable with what we were discussing.  Of course he has always seemed more comfortable than I on certain subjects, but this time I was good with it.

     After our two hour talk, I came away feeling so blessed, to have a husband that truly can listen that considers my thoughts & feelings.  A man that doesn’t think he knows all the answers, and doesn't pretend to, one that believes there is always more to learn, and will research or chat to learn more, one that realizes we change over time so adjustments might need to be made, one that doesn’t believe there is just one way to do things, knows there are many . He can easily tell me how he feels, he doesn’t groan if I say can we talk. I do not have to compete with the TV, laptop, or phone (I do know better not to suggest we need to talk during an SEC football game). I am blessed to have a husband who “gets me”. I am thankful that he is who he is. Now do not get me wrong he is NOT Perfect! But he was awfully close this day. LOL! Again though, things are ever changing.

     I wanted to just write my feelings mostly today, because many of my post can be not so great, not being on the same page, frustrations, inconsistency. This is a Happy post, maybe the next one will be also, one never knows.

6 DD Couples & a Duck

     I cannot believe I forgot to post this! As I was writing on my blog today I noticed I never hit publish!!!! O well, better late than never!!!!!!!

It finally happened! We six DD couples (and a duck) finally met for a long weekend! We came from all different parts of the country and one from Canada. We also were able to connect with one special chat lady for a few hours before the weekend officially began.

     It was an amazing weekend. I knew we would all like one another and was pretty sure everyone would be the same as they are in “chat”. I have to admit there were a few tears of joy shed to finally meet someone you have chatted with a very long time and you so badly wanted to meet. I was so happy to be in the company of these couples, and had waited a long time for this to happen. 

     We all stayed in a very large cabin, ate meals together, cooked together, the men golfed, the ladies shopped and went to lunch (the drink menu was on a ping pong paddle). There were some games played, fun get to know you games, some shot pool, I got beat bad at air hockey. There was a lil drinking, cigar smoking, dancing, music and we won’t mention the hot tub (no there was nothing kinky that happened in the hot tub, we are very much into our own spouses).

     There were some gifts exchanged seems some HOH’s think their “brothers” can never have enough “implements”!  Like maybe a long foam sword, rubber coated paint sticks, big wooden paddle (but it said something sweet and was beautifully hand painted), lil wooden spoons, handmade wooden paddles crafted beautifully stained and sealed. A mini oar there is nothing “mini” about it! The ladies little tokens of love were so much better. There were martini glasses and shot glasses hand painted with angel wings. Beautiful bags, halo’s (yes halo’s), pillows, candy (long pixie sticks, pop rocks) Just use your imagination. Some might have received a special gift like maybe a shovel and a bucket “just to dig yourself out of the hole you keep digging yourself into”. I can’t even remember all of the sweet gifts.

     We went to dinner one night to a place called Dick’s. If you haven’t been there you should go, not so much for great food but just for the entertainment. It was very entertaining as the wait staff is rude to you and our little waitress was great she didn’t miss a beat, even when all of the HOH’s at the exact same time decided to pull their wooden paddles out of their pocket and place them on the table. She just turned around and stuck her bottom out!!! She wasn’t even the least bit taken aback. We did a little bit of moonshine tasting, shopped some more and just spent much of the time laughing, talking, and just having a great time together.

     I feel so very fortunate to have been able to meet these couples in real life, they are people I genuinely care about and love. I know about their children, their parents, and their pets. We have so much more in common than just this lifestyle. As different as some of us might be or even live DD we also have so much in common. 

     The long weekend ended way too fast I wasn’t ready for it to end. Since returning home we did received a wonderful photo slide show/movie with music to it that I can watch anytime I start missing these folks. Now I just cannot wait for the next time! 

Happy Camper... NOT!

      I have had a wonderful two weeks since Lee has returned from working out of the country. Upon his return we spent a long weekend at the lake, and then we were off to the beach for a little more than a week. Just the two of us, no distractions, just fun & sun in our favorite spot.  Lying on the beach, swimming, walking, riding bikes, eating amazing seafood, umbrella drinks for me and dancing! It was an amazing week for the both of us. We enjoyed our “us” time so much!

     Now it is back to reality. Back to work and our everyday normal life. I was a little concerned about coming back, for one thing I hate coming home, I Love the beach so much it is my “Happy Place” I am always so relaxed there. My second concern was us going back to being busy or tired and not focusing on one another. It happens to us almost every time. That “real life” part always seems to mess us up a bit.

     I was pleasantly surprised when we returned home and he was still on his game. He didn’t seem tired, busy, or even preoccupied with anything. We were still focused on one another. It did help that our Angel who recently moved back home was out of town for the next week.

     Last night, Lee came home from work telling me they need him out of the country again. “Really???? You were not supposed go back until after January”. So he is now leaving again, like in two days!!!! Usually I have time to prepare for this like months usually, not this time. So I am not happy right now, I am actually really mad about it. I know it is not his fault; I should be proud that he is needed and is the “go to” guy when there is a problem at his place of employment. Well… I am just still mad. This is supposed to be a short trip only two weeks so I should be thankful for that, his trips are always a minimum of three weeks.

     I haven’t acted out well kinda sorta somewhat haven’t, maybe just a tiny bit this morning.  I tried to keep it in, but anyone that knows me knows I am not good at that. I have always had a difficult time with not saying exactly what I think or feel. I do try though but it always eventually comes out.

     I know I should just suck it up and deal with it, I used to be very good at that, heck I used to not even care when he was gone. This new lifestyle has changed more than just our relationship; it has changed me and how much I need him. That is not always a good thing. 

PINK! IS MY COLOR!!

     Lee and I have had so much going on there has really been not much “us” time. Our oldest has moved home after 5 years and wow what a change in our life. Now don’t get me wrong I love this kid but I am just so used to having much alone time with Lee. Her room is right next to ours so that can make it difficult for our life to continue as it had been. She has been home all of the time while our other child is rarely home. We have had lots of company, have been out of town, many functions to be at, more company is coming, and work has been extremely busy. So with that being said DD had been pretty nonexistent really.

     I have been “off” I know I have. Not really going by some of my “rules” not on purpose just because well sometimes I just don’t think about them with all that has been happening. I know it has been tough for Lee as well. It truly has been difficult for both of us.

     Lee decided we needed a reset, regroup, resomething. He let me know this would be happening that night and a few nights in a row.  I explained to him it cannot she will hear. He let me know he is using one of the silent implements, well you know what Lee that might be silent but it’s kind of hard for me to be silent when that thing is hitting my a$$! First night it hurts, but I get through it but it hurts. I go upstairs the next night, thinking he has maybe forgotten, he has not as he tells me OTK! I am like what? We don’t do OTK! He responds, "We are now"!  Well he starts, I hate this thing, and it hurts really extra bad. I wiggle, squirm, attempt a flip, and I beg for him to stop. He is NOT listening; he just keeps on going grabs my hand, traps my legs, and just proceeds.

     I do actually feel better well my mind feels better afterwards, but my a$$ does not, for days I mean many days it hurts. That deep down to the bone kind of hurt. It is difficult to sit, I don’t even want him to touch it actually it is bruised ugly!  The third night, I think it was the third night, the wonderful man takes pity on me and lets me off of this reset/regroup/resomething. He knows I am not teasing, tricking, or playing as it still hurts. I do tell him that seemed like a punishment not the other. He let me know it was actually both; I broke some rules and needed to realize who was in charge.

      I hope the next few months fly by, so both of our children can be at their own place and we can be alone at ours. I don’t care for those “silent” implements and they really are not very good for me.

      I don’t look good in purple/blue/black I look much better in shades of pink! Light ones actually, yes light pink is definitely my color!

Rambling Thoughts & Feelings

     It has been a busy three weeks with Lee away, and then some days not so busy. I am feeling a little off this trip, not upset, mad, or sad, just off. I did so well the first week emailing him, filling in that spreadsheet, but the second week things were a little hectic around here, I also went out of town so I didn’t email him the spreadsheet. Then by this week I guess just out of the habit or just because I am feeling off I didn’t email it either. I have emailed him, we have talked I have told him my counts or my best estimate anyway. Just feeling a little off.

     Lee has let me know how disappointed he is and also I will be “dealt with” when he returns. I didn’t mean to disappoint him that was not deliberate. I am in my own little space right now and besides he is so far away. It is sometimes hard for me to feel his strength long distance and when he is gone for a period of time like this. Nothing he has done or not done, just me I think. I don’t like the feeling; it reminds me of the way it used to be a very long time ago. It is like I am in my own space (not honey’s world) just by myself, not really wanting to meet up with friends; I still do, just not really wanting to. It is that feeling like I am only accountable to me; well I am the only one here right now. I am one that does enjoy my alone time, it is important to me. I know I am rambling but sometimes writing out these crazy feelings of mine really helps.

     I am not even sure if I am a tih, I am so not submissive, well sometimes I am but not often. I do like that when he is home anyway; he is the leader, the HOH, the boss, the man! I love when he is home and hate when he is not. That says so much to me when it used to not phase me when he was gone.

     Wait… I think I am starting to feel better!

 I cannot be the perfect tih as hard as I may try, just impossible for me, and besides he would be bored with such a perfect tih, that is not what I strive for anyway. I do like to keep things fun, exciting, and maybe a little challenging. Everyone likes a good challenge. I don’t know how I will be “dealt with”. I have explained to him when he arrives home we will not be alone at all; we will be taking care of our daughter who is having surgery on Monday that will keep us very busy. Then we will be meeting some friends that I am just dying to see. I can hardly wait I am so excited about this trip.

     So as far as being “dealt with” that will have to be put on the back burner for awhile, as there is just no time and no privacy. Or maybe, just maybe… I will get a reprieve as I am sure he misses me so very much, and when I begin to work my “magic” he is sure to forget & forgive. 

For Lee... Smiling

What could possibly be wrong with smiling??? I don’t see the problem, people need to smile more. It is not my fault if you make me smile, wink, shake my booty, stick out my tongue and then run! It is just me. You love me, you love my spunk. So… what on earth could be the problem? You (Lee) say I am very good at distracting & negotiating. I know you find it cute, funny, and maybe a little irresistible. Maybe just maybe I am just trying to make sure we keep the fun playfulness in our marriage, I certainly wouldn’t be trying to get out of trouble. Lol!

When you are away it seems to me you don’t find me quite as funny and distracting, why is that? Why am I receiving these very long emails that you want to discuss? In these emails you are using words like manage, accountability, consistency, expect, loud & clear. In those big and BOLD unfriendly letters. I am thinking it is because you are thinking… I miss honey so much I must write her long detailed bossy emails so she knows I am thinking of her. Yep, that has to be it.

Thank you sweetie. I am so glad you are thinking of me and our marriage so much, but really now, I don’t need you to be getting all HOH’y and bossy for me to know you love me. I know without a doubt how much you love me, just as you know how much I love you!

I am so glad we got that all worked out now.

Love,

honey

AWOL

     It has been so long since I have written on my blog. We have been very busy the last couple of months. DD has been AWOL for the most part. We both know it, realize it, have spoke about it, are trying to get everything where it needs to be for us.

     Life does seem to sometimes override what you truly need, want and/or desire. Luckily we both know what has caused the absence and are trying to get all back on track, which can be a little difficult when it has been mostly absent.

     We have had many functions this time of year, we have had lots of company, and both of our jobs have been extremely busy. That in turn has made DD on & off again which is not good for me at all.

     I know I am loved, cherished and even adored without DD, but I am so much better with it actively consistently practiced. (It has not been totalIy absent BTW)but the on & off again will cause me to get off kilter a little without it, get in my own mind, do my own thing, and as Lee likes to say I tend to over think.

     We both have spoke much about this the last few days and are working on trying to get everything back to our “normal”. I am a little concerned since he is leaving again at the end of the week. When he is gone is when I can really lose my mind a little bit, but I did do great last time. So hopefully I will again.

     I know we all have those times when “real life” interferes with our own real life. I need to remember we have each other. “I have him”, just like “He has me”. We will get our “normal” back, because honestly we both know we cannot go back to the “OLD normal”, not even an option for us. 

Exploit? Me? Never…

Lee is on his way home!!!!! I am so excited as I have missed him very much. I have done great this trip if I do say so myself. I have not had any little anxiety issues, I really haven’t lost my cool, and I have remained positive almost the entire time Lee has been gone.

We have communicated so much more this time sometimes I was lucky enough to talk to him a few times a day, we also have emailed, well I have to email my spreadsheet every day. I haven’t succeeded on all of my rules but for most of them I have done very well. Just one keeps giving me a lil (or a lot depending how you look at it) trouble.

He sent me a very long email telling me a little about his day and then most of it was about us. I love long emails well most times I do. He spoke about how he thinks we are moving in the right direction, how so many things have improved in our relationship, how communication & intimacy have greatly improved. Letting me know what he is getting out of this lifestyle and some more things he wants. How he feels much more respected, appreciated, trusted, and loved. He is correct I do feel all of those ten fold.

He let me know things were going to be a little different when he returns… Is this good or bad?? He said he knew there were things he needed to work on also, not just me. Love it when he says he needs to work on something. He said, “ I have to strike a happy balance for me when you are being sassy and cute trying to negotiate your way out of the consequence. I struggle with this as you know, as I like the spunk...you know it and EXPLOIT it!” I don’t think I exploit anything I am just sweet like that, I can’t really help it if he is just in awe of me! Well maybe awe isn’t the correct word LOL.

His email had much to say about things that were going to have to change, some were about me and the way I need to obey the rules he has set to help me accomplish goals we have made. I need to make more of an effort to do so. I know he is correct about this. It is just extra difficult when he is so far away for so long. He also spoke on things for himself he was planning on working on, (taking me on more vacations maybe?) No it was mostly on holding me more accountable, not letting me wiggle my way out of some things. Well I am all for consistency really I am it is very important, but now lets not take leaps. Baby steps I like baby steps.

Bottom line for me, he thinks about us/me, our relationship, how much we have changed, what needs to change. Things to help us/me improve, how our relationship has improved. I am lucky, he is lucky, we are lucky. I am so happy he will be home soon!!!

Hybrid?

I am just sitting here wondering… what am I? what are we? I don’t know at the moment. I have been thinking about this and actually talking to one of my friends about it. Are we DD? Are we D/s? Are we both?

After speaking to my friend she made the conclusion maybe we are a “hybrid” I of course laughed out loud. Maybe we are. There are things about both dynamics I like well there are also some I don’t like.

I like that in DD he holds me accountable, I have a few rules that we have discussed. If I break them I am in trouble (most of the time). Then I think about other things like when he is much more dominate about certain things but in a good way.  I like both of these and am not sure sometimes what we are. I do get a say, he almost always asks my opinion on things, and on almost all we agree.  I also like when I am not given a choice but told yes I know “told” what to do or what he expects.

I guess it doesn’t really matter how you classify it or maybe it does and I just don’t care what the classification is. It is working, it is working for us. 

Birthday Surprise!!!!!!

I have the most amazing friends! Some I have met some I have only chatted, kik’d, text or spoken with on the phone, and some I have met in real life. I had no idea a year ago, I would ever make friends in chat much less begin true friendships with. I feel so blessed. I have great friends around me that I can see almost anytime I like. I am lucky I have the friends I do. I feel even luckier that I have met the friends I have in chat.

My weekend started off great as I received a surprise visit from our good friends, I had no idea they were coming for my birthday to spend the weekend with us. They gave me the perfect gifts. No it wasn’t a paddle. It was wonderful. The next day all of us met our other friends for lunch and had a great time. They gave me the perfect gifts also!!!! I have to say though just spending time with them is the biggest gift of all. I then received a box from another couple OMGosh! It was the perfect gift too, well…until I saw the paddle!!! Really??? You know honey doesn’t like paddles!!!!

I then received an email I opened it, it was like a puzzle card. A little bit later I realized click on their names and a personal birthday message pops up!!!!! I want to say “Thank You” to each of them for making my birthday so special. The card I received was just the best. Thank you friends for going to all the hard work of putting the puzzle card together. I was so humbled that ya’ll took the time out of your busy day to write me something special. You have no idea how much it truly meant to me. I feel so blessed to have each of you in my life.

 Happy Birthday to Me!!!!!!!!

Misconceptions....

I have something that is really bothering me, I know it shouldn’t be and I probably really shouldn’t care, but I do care. I have made some IRL friends in what I call my chat home, and some people I have not met as of yet that I consider friends.

A simple comment was made one day that stated in many blogs this person read she found that many people who begin this lifestyle are in unhappy marriages, saving a marriage, bad relationships, etc. and DD is repairing them, instead of improving an already good relationship. That could be true for the most part I really don’t know.

 For myself I have had the kind of husband most of my friends want or think they want. A husband who has tried to always please me by making me happy. A man that has always been true to his word, caring, respectful, successful, and a very affectionate loving husband and I am not even going to speak on the dad he is but that part is pretty awesome also. I hate to say DD has saved our marriage but I do believe it has.

Lee had no idea I was having the emotions or feelings I was having about our marriage. I don’t know if it was a mid life crisis, if I was bored, overwhelmed, or if I wanted a change. But I needed one, as I have said before in my blog and on chat we were just letting life get in the way of nurturing our marriage.

 I wanted to be the best mom I could be, volunteer, room mom, team mom, dance mom, cheer mom, vbs teacher, etc I could go on and on. I wanted to be a great friend, be involved in the community and at church, I wanted to set an example for our kids, I actually somehow became a mom before I was a wife before I realized it.  Lee was always providing for us, never missing the cheering, dancing, piano, softball, swimming, choir, soccer, track, etc. He was their cheerleader, coach, homework helper, project assistant, etc.  All the while neither of us realizing we were neglecting “us”.

 One day many many years later Lee was traveling again and I discovered I felt lonely, bored, just like something was missing. Not because he was really neglecting me but because we both became so involved in other things and when we were together we really were not alone much of the time.

I don’t mean to keep rambling I guess I just want to make it clear yes our marriage was in trouble but not because of lack of love, respect, affection for one another. It was because we I guess neglected “us” but not intentional. We weren’t busy partying, playing video games, going out with our friends without one another all the time. No matter what the reason we still neglected the nurturing a marriage needs.  We did have a good marriage before DD, but “good” wasn’t good enough for me and I am guessing the way Lee has taken to DD and says we will never go back to the old way “good” wasn’t good enough for him either. I guess I just wanted to say not all marriages that are/were in trouble were bad marriages, they like DD have their own special unique individual flavor and mine is not vanilla.

HOH Day!!!!!!!!!!!!

EsMay had a brilliant idea HOH Day! I couldn’t pass this up.

My Lee is just the Best HOH for me. From the beginning, the way he took me serious when introducing this to him. He knew it was very difficult for me to even mention to him. I wasn’t ever one to show a vulnerable side, I was always strong or at least pretended to be. He has always been one to never do things half way, whether that is his work ethic, his dedication to his friends and family, he always gives all of him. He took his time slowly and methodically he read what I sent but more importantly he researched on his own. That was monumental for me. He has embraced this lifestyle much easier and quicker than I thought. I actually wondered if he would even be very good at it. It is not how he was programmed, well maybe it was and I just didn't know it. He is pretty amazing at it. I have now been able to show him my vulnerable side and we are working on me slowly taking those walls down that have been up so high most of my life. He didn't let me push him, rush this, he decided how we would proceed. Not a long list of rules just a few basic ones. I am so thankful that he has embraced this exactly how he has.
Another thing I am so thankful for is the feelings it has stirred up inside of me. When Lee is firm with me and sets boundaries, I sometimes pout, throw a lil fit, or just learn to accept it. The boundaries or rules are for my own good most of them have been discussed before they have become a hard rule. I love that he loves me enough to look out for my health and well being. He has always shown his love & affection for me and would suggest maybe you shouldn’t do … but this is different now, it’s more like I love you so much I am NOT going to allow you to…. I have to admit I love the feeling it gives me to feel his strength, power, and determination   when I try so hard in my own sweet lil way to change his mind. I think this is my man, my rock, my safe place. I am so very lucky to have this man who loves and accepts me for the feisty, spirited, and reactive woman I am. He wants me to be me, but knows when it is time to pull me back in. I love that he helps me to keep a lil calmer, to not be so reactive and to tame that temper I can sometimes have (It has improved so very much). He gives me a secure feeling that is just so much more than I can describe. I have never felt insecure in our marriage but I have felt lonely, disconnected, and indifferent. I have never doubted his love just now it is so obvious and felt no matter if we are apart or together. This change in our relationship with DD has made our relationship better than I even imagined. I now feel cherished, connected to the core, I know I and our marriage is his number one priority.

I am so thankful for so many things I cannot post them all, this post is probably already way too long. Another thing DD and my HOH has made me thankful for is the intimacy, passion, and yes the sex. When Lee says just sometimes the smallest thing to me, looks at me a certain way, or after I have been sp***** (yes, I know hard to believe what could I possibly do to get a sp******?) Something comes over me, I don’t know exactly what but I just want him all of him in ways I never did before. This lifestyle change for us has made us both feel like we are much younger than we are and certainly not been married as long as we have. We just sometimes cannot get enough of one another. I do get all tingly, hadn’t been tingly in a long time. I do have passion and desire that I thought had just disappeared for the most part. Well thankfully Lee and his role as HOH woke all of that up 10 fold, and I couldn’t be happier about that! I think he is pretty dang happy about it too! 
So for my HOH Lee… Happy HOH Day! I love you and I thank you from the bottom of my heart and so deep in my soul. 

Worse Than a Spanking!

He’s home!!!!! Lee finally made it back, I was so happy to see him and our kids who are not kids anymore made sure they were home or came home to see him. We both are so happy they were both home for the weekend to greet & spend time with him/us. I just wish I had some alone time with him.

He let me know before coming home if the girls were here, I would “feel” that he is home, for a few of my transgressions. He said he planned to use the capsaicin cream. O OK my thoughts were it cannot be that bad. If you recall I played a lil practical joke on Lee this summer while giving him a massage, I kinda sorta somewhat accidently ended up sneaking some of that cream on his bottom during the massage. When he didn’t react to it, I used more and same nothing, so I again put more on him, he then reacted!!!!

Friday night he never said anything about using the cap cream I certainly didn’t mention it. Then Saturday night, when we were getting into bed he said turn over on your tummy, I am going to place a lil bit of this cream on you. I laughed and said no you are not. He popped me a good one said we will use the cream tonight or the girls are going to hear you get a sp******. I turned over.

He used just a lil bit it seemed and I lie there for a bit just noticing a small bit of tingling, then it got worse, and worse, and worse. It was awful. I couldn’t be still, I certainly couldn’t get comfortable, I couldn’t touch it. It was horrible. After a lil more than 2 hours Lee could tell the agony I was in. It was almost unbearable to me. He told me to come in the bathroom and used a little soft soap with a towel to try and get some off, still burning Lee! Then he said coconut oil lets rub coconut oil on it, I was scared so scared it would make it worse. I did what he suggested and OMGosh it helped! I was finally after a bit able to finally fall asleep like at 3 a.m.

The next morning one of our children made the comment she didn’t sleep very well last night, Lee told her smiling your mom didn’t sleep well last night either. She asked why? And before I could say anything he just giggled saying she had a very hard time getting comfortable.

That was my first and hopefully last experience with that dreadful cream. It was excruciating. I actually felt so bad this morning thinking of me playing my lil joke on Lee with it. I had put so much more on him and I  couldn’t tell him enough how sorry I am, that I did that to you, I had no idea it was that bad.

So  any of you that have never used  it, don’t be curious.  I kinda was. Not anymore! It was so uncomfortable and just kept getting more intense, there was no way I could possibly have had any aftercare or tenderness I was so out of sorts. I just really had no clue how painful that cream could really be. I am not curious about anything anymore! Please let’s just stick to the basics. BTW it is still stinging just a bit but it still is.

Chronicle! Spreadsheet! Sp******!

          I started it, I know I did. I sent Lee an email basically saying I miss him, I hope he arrived safely, I loved him, and then something about we have been very busy and maybe this DD stuff is not good for us at this time. I know we are so much closer, I know it does take much work though. I told him about me feeling needy, anxious, and maybe even crazy, and not liking it at all.  I let him know when he is here and leading me I feel so much better. I said something about us not having regular sit downs in awhile. I let him know I was just rambling and needed to go to sleep. I know it was a dumb move. I really just typed it and hit send. I have a habit of just saying what is on my mind without really thinking about it first.

          He called and was very HOH’y and loving at the same time. He let me know he would help me get through this and would be sending me an email. I always look forward to his emails.

          I woke up this morning, went downstairs to read my email. WHAT??? Really? Is he serious? His email was... well here is part of it.

I am not surprised by your two notes.  I expected it as it shows to me you are submitting more and more to me which makes you feel more vulnerable and needy.  Personally, I love that you are giving more to me and it does tell me you trust me more so now than you ever have.  It makes me feel so wanted and needed.  But, I also want to remind you that you are STILL a very strong woman and one that I respect and love so much.  Just because I am not physically there does not mean I am not there.  I am with you in heart and soul and I know you know that. I am just a text, phone call or face time away. I hate that you second guess this and feel you are crazy.  I want you to be confident in this lifestyle as I am.  I believe you are, except when I travel.  I need to come up with a better plan for you during this time to help you. Not that you are needy of help at all…just guidance to make each day full.

            Then he said some really lovely things that I just loved. Then he had to kind of ruin it well kind of ruin it.

As for guidelines, yes, we did not discuss and that is my fault…so, here are some guidelines I want you to follow and accomplish while I am gone.

            He had some great fun things in mind for me to do, to keep me busy with friends and relax. Then he had to go and mess up the whole email with…

  I do expect you to work on your goals more and to keep a daily record to send to me.  Whatever you don’t accomplish will be tallied up into discipline of my choice when I get home.

 He had a list of things I have been working on and some I am supposed to be working on. Then he had made a spreadsheet that I am to enter what I have accomplished for each day and then it automatically totals the numbers I have entered. He also had a list of consequences that would result for each infraction as he likes to call it. One of the requirements on his spreadsheet is filling it out every night and emailing it to him along with a “daily chronicle” on my feelings.  LOL Who says that? He normally doesn’t say that.

I had to group text a few of my friends for support, “Isn’t this ridiculous? Who would do a spreadsheet? Is he ________ kidding? I don’t have time for this. Who says chronicle?”

         The response from my wonderful friends was not what I expected. They seemed to love it, one of them loves spreadsheets, the other wants one. I bet if she had one she really wouldn’t like it at all, and the one who loves spreadsheets or making them anyway, is now going to be receiving one. Seems Lee likes to share his ideas sometimes with other HOH’s, as they also like to share their ideas with him. I think everyone well just the HOH’s should keep their ideas to themselves.

          Well bottom line, I really don’t want to fill this out every day for 14 days. But… I am one lucky lady, he knows how I feel when he is gone, he knows what I struggle with, he knows about my anxious feelings, he knows I need to stay focused and busy. He just knows!

I am so happy he knows me so much better than I thought he did! I am not saying I will do this every single day, things come up, people get busy, life can get in the way. But I really do appreciate the way he took the time to email me a very long letter that was very thoughtful, loving, and encouraging for the most part. I know it took a lil bit of time for him to come up with the spreadsheet, the detailed consequence part I wish he would have just skipped altogether probably would have saved him so much time.

           I really don’t like when things are written down in black & white (don’t care for red much either)!

Crazy Is Back!!!!!!!

         Are u kidding me? I can’t believe he hasn’t been gone for 24 hours and I am already missing him, us, I am not liking this feeling whatsoever. When I get like this it makes me question this way of life for us or me. Whenever he left before on these business trips, it honestly has not bothered me in many years. Now after starting DD it seems to make me crazy. I feel anxious, irritable, kind of sad. I don’t like these feelings sometimes I think was it better when I had really no feelings when he left? I know that is not good either but this feeling is sometimes more than I really care to deal with.

          I am a strong woman, I always have been, then when these feelings creep in… I start to feel I don’t know weak. I don’t like it at all.

          Ok I need to stop with the whining I know it. I need to become productive instead of wallowing in my self pity. I can do this, I am woman I am strong Hear me Roar! I need to get busy, I have many things I could tackle around the house, I could catch up on a few television shows (I am so behind on). I could go have dinner with friends, I could go paint another picture. So many choices I have, I need to decide and get busy.

          Isn’t it funny when they are here sometimes you just need your space and then when they are away you just want them as close to you as they can get. This might be a very long couple of weeks for me if I don’t choose to get it together. It is my choice on how I react to it, I need to make some good choices.

          I think I will just have a glass of wine or three!!!!!!

Our First DD Christmas!!!!!!

Wow! What a wonderful Christmas this year. It is not as much fun shopping for your college aged children as it was when they were little. I have to say shopping and making things for some of my DD friends we have met in chat was the most fun I have had in quite awhile. I enjoyed it so much and I know Lee did as well.

We received a package and OMGosh! This couple really pays attention, they really “know” you. It was so heartwarming to know these friends that we have never met in person but have spoke with on the phone, in chat, on skype, and text really do know us! I honestly almost cried, I received some wonderful items some very special t-shirts that I absolutely love, in the most perfect place was the word “Rosie” on my lovely t shirts, I only wear the pretty one, the other has FIRE all around the word “Rosie” I don’t think I should wear that one. My crystal wine stoppers are absolutely beautiful, and anyone who knows me knows I like my wine,  my angel nite light that is absolutely beautiful and gives off just the perfect amount of light and reflection. Lee received some things that had to do with golf which he absolutely loves.  Also the strangest looking leather fly swat and a red rubber heart shaped spatula. I say one is only to be used outside in the summer when the flies try to invade our picnic and the other belongs in the kitchen. Lee totally disagrees! We received a fabulous dinner invitation from another couple who we have met a few times and and what a great cook she is! I am so glad we live close enough to visit often because once the holiday season calms down I am hoping we can have more get togethers. We had the most wonderful time, well…. I overdid it on the cotton candy martini’s but they were so very good. They also gave us a Christmas present made of rubber in the cutest lil bag that said u have been naughty with coal in it. I say the rubber spatula is to use in the kitchen but Lee says to use on my bottom just like those other two! I totally know those were not meant for my bottom. Another pkg in the mail, was from another couple that we have met and have become good friends with or so I thought until we opened it!!!! A beautiful white fluffy fuzzy cover with a light blue wooden handle sticking out, as I pulled it out of the beautiful fluffy cover it was a hand painted paddle with bees and lil bee hives all over it! On the back it read “You are my feisty baby You’ll be over my knee. You’ll have a “Rosie” bottom You are my Honey Bee!” It was absolutely beautiful but wait… I thought we were friends!!!!!! We don’t do wood, as I am still yes wait for it… kinda sorta somewhat new to this! This paddle is pretty But OMGosh very thick I mean very thick!!! I know it was meant just for decoration, Lee says yes for decorating my a**!!!!! No, we don’t do wood!!!!!

Lee & I sent out a few presents as well, a personalized ping pong paddle but no rubber or anything soft on it at all! Not my fault, I would have put pretty feathers on it! Also, my sweet tih friends received an angel pin wearing a halo, because we all know they are truly angels. There were a few more things but I know this post is way toooo long.

I have to say this year Christmas was so much fun giving & receiving with my wonderful friends I have met. I cannot wait for next Christmas!!!