Merry Christmas!!!!

Hoping all of my lovely DD friends had a wonderful Christmas! I know I have. Well… mostly I have. It can get a little complicated when you are staying with your parents and also have your mil with you for a little over a week. I start feeling a little “off”, it also doesn’t help when Lee tells me he has to leave the country again! It has been awhile but I wasn’t expecting this trip. He doesn’t leave for 2 weeks but I am already dreading it.

I have received some wonderful Christmas gifts from my friends that I have met in chat. We have become “real” friends as well not just DD and not just chat friends. I will share those with ya’ll as soon as I get back home I want to take some pics of them to share. I just love all well… almost all of them. I will explain that later.

As I was saying I am feeling a little off, not very tih’y at all. It is difficult at home when Princess is there, but really difficult when your mother in law (who is a wonderful sweet woman) is staying with you for over a week and then we all go to my family’s out of town for a week! No time for one another. No just “us” time. UGH! Too many people around all of the time, and the walls are very thin here.

It seems when I am back home with my family I go back not to my bossy demanding sweet self, just feeling very disconnected. Mostly because there is not much alone time I suppose. Then it starts going through my head, why do I need this lifestyle? Will we pick up where we left off? Do we start from the beginning again? I know my family has noticed a change in our relationship, they have made comments about it. They also have noticed a change in Lee. I know he has changed, I have changed, we have changed. We both have changed and it has made our relationship so much better.

I know I am kind of rambling I don’t mean to just seems to help me to write my feelings down it seems. I am hoping we pick up right where we left off before so much family & company was around. I guess we shall see.

Hoping all of my sweet friends had the most Merry Christmas! I am lucky to have met so many of you and thankful how you helped myself and Lee grow so much in our relationship.  I wish you all of the best for 2014! 

Not on Holiday!!!

It all started this morning around 5 a.m. Well I guess it actually started last night, well maybe it really started Wednesday or Monday. I am not sure exactly when it started. I seem to get confused when I have a few days off. I am sure some of you know what I mean. When you are off a few days from work Friday can seem like Saturday or on Saturday you might think it is Sunday. It can be so confusing.

Unfortunately I woke up this morning as Lee was leaving for work. I was so thirsty, Lee being the sweet, loving husband he is offered to get me a drink. “Coke please” It seemed to take him forever to come back upstairs. He came back upstairs with water. “I wanted coke”. I was so thirsty though I drank almost the whole glass. He waited standing beside the bed and took my empty glass. I told him “Thank you” and proceeded to curl myself up in all of my soft blankets to drift off back to sleep.

He leans over to kiss me and whispers, “Honey, seems you have taken some cigarettes, you will be back on track tonight” then proceeds to walk out. “Wait, wait, wait, you didn’t give me mine last night, so yes I took a pack”. He let me know he did give me my “allotment”.  I don’t remember him giving them to me. See this is where I get confused, kind of like what day it is when I am on vacation or "on holiday". You did not give them to me, I don’t remember you giving them to me. He insists he did, how many, and what time. He also tells me as he is leaving this will be dealt with tonight.

I rush downstairs after him, please tell me he hasn’t taken all of them with him, I can’t just stop cold turkey. I try and explain to him that I am on vacation, “on holiday”, I get confused. I just love the term “on holiday” it sounds so cute. We should say that more often in the south. It sounds so much better than “on vacation”. Ok. Well maybe he did give them to me, we know my memory is not as good as his.

He tells me you have went over your allotment for days, you are not drinking water, you are drinking too many cokes, you are not eating fruit. You have taken advantage since we have had company for a week. This will be dealt with tonight. Wait! I am on holiday! He let me know I do not get a holiday from “our rules” we have made. I try to explain to him, (in my sweetest southern voice) but, we never discussed that, I just assumed I was on vacation, on holiday. You need to be more specific on this kind of stuff, I get confused especially “on holiday”. He didn’t buy it one bit!

I actually do remember him giving them to me, now that I have had my coke and am more awake. I was having so much fun in chat last night, and what was supposed to be a “reset” actually turned out to be much more FUN than I can write on my blog. My “count” can sometimes get away from me.

 I know I took advantage and I will admit that (I have come a long way). I will also remind him though, I was respectful of him, and my attitude and demeanor has changed so much that my family took notice and mentioned it several times.

That has to count for something? I think it should count for all the cigarettes and lil misdemeanors I might have made while “on holiday”!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I am thankful for so many things, I don’t even know where I should start. I am of course thankful for my family, we all are very strong willed so that tends to cause a lil bit of friction occasionally, we love & fight with great passion, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. My family is one that will always be there for you, no matter they always have your back. I am thankful for my friends, I have some wonderful friends. I have recently made some very special friends in chat. These special friends have become very important to me, they are part of my family now. I am thankful for all God has blessed me with.

I am especially thankful for DD today, without finding this Lee and I would not be together. Last year actually we spent Thanksgiving apart first time in our marriage, but we were both on our way out, and I was running. I am thankful this man of mine has put up with me all of these years. I wouldn’t have put up with me!

I am thankful Lee has been so patient & understanding, I am thankful he made the decision to do this his way, our way, what works for us. I am thankful we are still together. I am thankful for what DD has brought to our marriage. I am not sure if we have ever been closer, more intimate, and more in love. It is like a honeymoon all the time (well NOT all of the time), but so much deeper than it was 23 years ago. So this Thanksgiving I am extra thankful!

 Happy Thanksgiving!

Blur and Reset?

          The last couple of weeks have been kind of crazy. Lee & I both have been very busy. I broke my foot, we both have traveled out of town but not together, we have company, and have had events we attended. It has been a blur. I have felt “off” and basically a little lost lately. I haven’t said anything to Lee about it, as we have both had so much going on. But in all honesty I am just not feeling it, this scares me. We have come so far, and I don’t want to go backwards, I just can’t go backwards.

          We talk on the phone almost every day when I am on my way to work in the morning, this morning I was a little short with him, not on purpose just tired & cranky I guess. I later received a very lengthy email from him.

          I was actually surprised by what he said (can this man read my mind)? Surely not or I would be in trouble all of the time!  The email said, the past few weeks have been a blur and I feel the need to reset our basic DD principles. The email continued with him listing several things we needed to discuss and the plan he has established for us to get back on the correct path for us.

This man of mine amazes me. He really does get me, us, what we both desire in our relationship. I might not like all of the plans he stated in the email but I am overjoyed that he realizes that we have been kind of “off” and I didn’t have to say anything, or even brat!

We shall see where this leads us, hopefully back on the right path, not his path, not honey’s path, but Our Path. The path that brings us closer together each day, that can almost be overwhelming to me when I feel his ability to lead me where I need to go. The feeling that I crave so deep within. The feeling I know it must give him, knowing now how much I need him. The feeling of love deeper than I had ever felt before starting on this path of ours. I can’t wait! Ready! Set! Reset!

A Short Questionnaire

This came from About Us, Callie’s Blog, Thank you Callie it was fun we did have a lil disagreement while doing it though. LOL!!!

1. Using 3 words, describe your husband's personality: fun, smart, analytical
2. What cologne do you prefer him to wear? Giorgio Armani - Acqua Di Gio
3. He looks totally sexy wearing: suit
4. You're going on vacation and the first thing he packs is: our toys
5. Would he pay a tradesman (plumber/electrician/builder) or do it himself? does it himself doesn't want to pay anyone & thinks he will do it better anyway
6. Would he rather watch sports or play sports? Play
7. If you could buy him any brand new car, what would you get him? for fun: a corvette, for need: a truck
8. The stereo in his car is most likely playing: talk radio or old rock
9. His favorite TV show: NCIS
10. His hand gets itchy when I am not being totally upfront or honest
11. What is he most likely to be doing on the weekend? Working in the yard or watching SEC football
12. How many siblings does he have? 1 brother
13. The thing I love most about him is how I know without a doubt he loves me and our family with everything he has


1. Using 3 words, describe your wife's personality: feisty, matter of fact, loving he said I have to add impatient!
2. What perfume do you prefer her to wear? D&G-Light Blue, Bath & Body-White Citrus
3. She looks totally sexy wearing: nothing (or something that shows cleavage which she never does)
4. You're going on vacation and the first thing she packs is: ALL her clothes
5. Would she pay a cleaner/housekeeper or do it herself? Do it herself
6. Would she rather watch sports or play sports? Watch
7. If you could buy her any brand new car, what would you get? Acura TL 
8. The stereo in her car is most likely playing: Blurred Lines and Roar
9. Her favorite TV show: Criminal Minds
10. Your habit that she finds really irritating: I am too detailed, she just wants the main point
11. What is she most likely to be doing on the weekend? chatting

12. How many siblings does she have? 1 sister

13. The thing I love most about her is her personality

DD Dinner Date

I was so very excited Saturday, after texting with Cat my good friend on chat, just out of the blue, I asked hey do ya’ll want to meet for dinner tonight or tomorrow? We are going to meet again, YAY! This time for dinner, and this time with our husbands (hoh’s). I just couldn’t wait, I have only met her once in reality but we talk, text, and chat quite a bit with one another. I am not really nervous or apprehensive about meeting her HOH, I am just so excited to be seeing her again. Lee doesn’t seem nervous or apprehensive at all either.

We are driving, on our way to meet our friends. As we are getting closer, I am thinking to myself, I wonder what he is really like. I hope I make a good impression, I hope they like each other. I wonder if he is going to be way too Hoh’y? Can I say that? Yep, I can, it is my blog. I need to be on my best behavior. I hope Cat likes Lee, surely she will everyone likes Lee. I hope Alec likes me. That would be terrible if only Cat & I liked each other.

          We are entering the parking lot at exactly the same time, Cat is waving. I am so excited to see her again. I had to run to the restroom so I didn’t see when Alec & Lee met. I entered the bar and there they all were!!! Wow. I am now meeting Alec, mycats Alec. Such a gentleman, stands up as most good men do in the south, we hug and all have a toast!!!

          While waiting for our table we talk, laugh, tease, joke around with one another. Cat & I disappear outside for a lil smoke break, (we are working very hard on quitting). Lucky us! Alec & Lee are so very happy to assist us with this. Anyway back to the dinner, Cat & I outside just chatting away like we have known each other forever, we can tell they are hitting it off, no doubt. But we both had already decided well if they don’t, too bad, cause we certainly have. They will just have to make the best of it LOL!

          You really never know who you are talking to in chat, someone you might be telling all of your deep dark secrets, frustrations, or desires to. People you ask questions or have dialog with, people who might be the only ones that know this private lifestyle you might be living. Some you might become closer to than others, maybe because you have similar interests, age, issues, and/or just click with. People I feel like I have become close to, people I seem to trust, people that I now consider my friends, they are my chat friends.  But... do I really know these people? Are they who they portray to be?  Well I have only met Alec & Cat so far  but I can tell you these two people are exactly who they portray in chat, exactly. Cat had also said the same thing about Lee. It was very nice to see my chat friends who have now become my real life friends also. I just wanted you all to know, my experience with meeting my chat friends in real life was spectacular, It could not have went any better. Well except for maybe the water spray across the table!!

Ok, my turn.

Going back...the whole ride to dinner, Honey & I are texting as our hubbies are driving. You'd think we might want to save something to talk about when we see each other. Turns out that will never be a problem. Lol

We arrive at our destination and I get my first look at Lee. He's taller than I expect. (Don't know why.) As Honey said of Alec, he's a perfect gentleman. The guys meet and we go into the bar while we wait to be seated. 

Can I say it was like meeting old friends? It was normal and natural.  Little did I know at the time we'd spend the next 4 hours making memories that still have me giggling. 

We were seated at a large table and greeted by our waitress, Mona Lisa. Seriously, I'm not making this up! She took our drink orders and we let her know from the start we may be there a while. 

Conversation flowed easy and fun. We talked about anything and everything. We touched lightly on the DD lifestyle in hushed tones (well, not really hushed if you've ever heard Alec & Lee together).  Not seconds later, our new friend, Mona Lisa asks if she could sit in the corner with us. We all roared with laughter.  

The food was good though I couldn't tell you what I ate. As the evening progresses the lovely, Mona Lisa begins deferring to our hubbies on whether or not Honey & I are allowed to have more drinks. Are we that obvious? Lol. 

The evening continued as we shared stories and laughter and plans for next time. Yep, we'll be meeting again. I for one, am looking forward to it!! 

** Just want to add a note on meeting in real life. Honey, Lee, Alec and myself worked up to an in person meeting. It was a long and gradual process. We began in chat, added e-mails to a 'safe' e-mail address, progressed to phone calls and after a good while agreed that meeting in person was the right next step for us. While we both lead  DD lifestyles , over time, we discovered we had much more in common. Those are the things that will anchor our friendships. Having DD in common, well that's just a bonus. 

He’s Home!!!!

          Friday the 13^th, one of my favorite days and even more so today because as some of you know Lee will be home today! It started off wonderful, three of my favorite songs played in a row on the radio on my way to work. It was a start of a great day! Around lunch time I looked at Lee’s arrival time and he was actually due to land earlier than I had thought! Yay! I decided to track his flight, it said he had landed! I was so excited, he was going to be home much sooner than I would be from work. Well… that was not correct it seems in Japan his flight was delayed 2 hours and he ended up changing planes, he actually landed 3 hours later than I thought. I was a little well a lot mad about this. Then I got the text,  “I am exiting the plane”. I was so happy he was on his way, but so frustrated that I couldn’t talk with him much,  I had a commitment I had to keep.

          After a few drinks with my girlfriends I start to get a lil feisty texting Lee, I don’t know why I do that but just seems fun at the time. He came to pick me up and on the ride home he reminded me (I didn’t need reminding) that we had a package to open together. We went upstairs, he had placed the package on the bed and then we opened it. SURPRISE! A “rose” paddle!!! I gently ever so gently tossed it across the room. Now I have to admit I have been looking at these “implements” I have heard about and been very curious.

          As the night went on Lee reminded me of a few, just a few transgressions that I committed while he was away for 3 weeks. You know 3 weeks is a very long time to go without someone here to maybe help you stay on the correct path, I tend to veer off occasionally. My path is sometimes much more fun than Lee’s path. His can be somewhat just straight ahead nothing to stop and look at along the way, his path seems to get us exactly where we need to be. But sometimes I want to take my path my old worn out path, with lots of curves, sharp turns, and maybe a DANGER do not enter sign in the middle of the path. I know this path usually never resulted in positive results, I would get lost quite a bit on my path, but honestly I have no sense of direction. I just cant help it but sometimes I

automatically get back on that path, mostly out of old habit.

Well it was time as Lee likes to say, “time to pay the piper”. Ok, I am good with this I know I didn’t quite stay on the correct path we agreed on so here we go. It begins, I am trying very hard to be still, I am not very good at that as of yet, and then out of nowhere the “rose” paddle appears across my bottom!! OUCH! WHOA! You didn’t even tell me!!!!! OH! OW! I know he didn’t use it nearly as long as he does his hand, he says it was only about 12-15 times! I beg to differ. After he is finished, he grabs me up and holds me for a very long time. How in the world do I feel so close and loved by this man that just sp***** me with this terrible leather paddle? I have no idea, But all I know is that I really have never felt closer to him once again. The rest of the night and into the next morning was a reunion that was better than any in the movies.

Since we started this lifestyle, I have spoken with many different tih’s and several have told me leather is great, I “love” leather, etc.  Some use it for both play & punishment. I have been very curious about this. I even thought about ordering one for a gift for Lee, then I would think, NOPE don’t do it. I want him to make those choices, not me. I have tried very hard not to push him or tell him I am curious about a paddle or leather, etc. I just let him find his way in his time. I am so glad I have. I can honestly say I do not like leather or paddles or the “rose”. Now maybe because this was a first I might could grow to “love” it, I seriously doubt that.

It was nothing at all what I thought it would be, it is not soft, even if one side is smooth, it is just not what I consider soft. It is not flexible to me, I thought it would be more bendable, thinner, and softer.  I think it feels like what wood would feel like, very hard and not giving at all. I know I have never “felt’ wood and from what I hear I don’t want to.

It is so strange to me how I can have one thought in my mind but in reality it is so very different than what I imagined. I did think this lifestyle might help our marriage. I figured well we can at least try, we really were at a point we had nothing to lose. I never imagined it would transform our relationship beyond my expectations. I know he has always loved & respected me. I have always loved him. I have never in the 24 years I have been with this man ever loved him or respected him more than I do today. I don’t know if I have ever been more attracted to him (and he is old now) lol! I need him, I need his leadership, I need (some) rules. I know by me needing him in the ways that I do, it makes him feel complete.  So this also is much more than I imagined, funny how that happens.

Honey’s World

          I am so happy my Lee will be home in just a few days. It has been a very long three weeks for me. I have missed him so very much and just can’t wait to see him… or can I??

          I was so good the first week and a half while he was gone, I did really well with almost everything. Then something changed… I was just on my own for so long kinda started reminding me of how we used to live. The only difference was I missed him so terribly bad. I got just a lil bit grouchy, a lil bit mouthy, and kinda felt well he is not here so honey can do whatever she chooses. In Honey’s World I can stay up as late as I choose, smoke as much as I want, drink cokes all day long, eat paydays for dinner or eat no dinner, stay on chat for hours, and say whatever I want with no one around to tell me otherwise. It has been fun in honey’s world but it can also be a very lonely place.

          When I start feeling that loneliness, I start lashing out a lil bit just a lil bit. I might sent a text around 1 am than says I am BORED, he might respond with turn off electronics and light and go to sleep, I love you. I might send those cute lil pics of smileys that says something like this . 

                

        I might send an email that is just basically saying I need you here with me. Well not exactly in those words, but when I said “I am not emailing you anymore, I will see you when you get home”. I really meant “I can’t wait to hear your voice, I am so excited you will be home soon”.

          Lee sometimes misunderstand my emails and texts, he takes them way out of context. He then calls well actually facetimes me (I only declined it once), and is not very happy. He seems to have changed a lil during this trip, he is not smiling and I am doing everything in my power to get him to smile or laugh. It is not working, it always worked before.

          He wants me looking at the phone at him, he then tells me things will be so much different when he returns. Ummm I kinda liked them they way they were. He says “You are in so much trouble, you will never send me an email like that again, you will go by the new rules I have laid out for you, and we will be starting maintenance, reminder sp*******”. Gosh, I am not sure what he called it.  He then had the nerve to say “Honey’s World” will be changing very quickly. I kind of like “Honey’s World” the way it is. I am now having a bedtime during the week, o boy how will that work, I have certain things I have to do for my health now, weekly sit downs, less computer time, live within a budget, and there is more. He then tells me, “A package will be arriving from Leatherthorne do NOT open it, we will open it together”. We do NOT use implements, never have. We are still kinda, sorta, maybe somewhat “new”. I let him know I will be looking for it, and I certainly hope it doesn’t get lost in the mail, hehehe. He lets me know it has a tracking number, well then I hope it doesn’t get stolen off of our doorstep. You never know, people these days can do the craziest things.

          Seems “Honey’s World” might be changing and I might have a difficult time with these changes. But one thing is for certain I will be so happy for Lee to be returning back to “Honey’s World” whatever it may be. 

honey!!! Positive thoughts!

           I am going to try and think positive. I can do this, I know I can. I am strong always have been. I have really been blaming DD for my neediness and my anxiousness, and heck all the bad feelings I have been having since Lee is gone.

          I have said before I have never been needy. Now I am needy! I do not like the feeling at all. I used to get somewhat annoyed by needy women, actually I was someone they would talk with and I would try my very best to let them know, it is not good to be needy.

          Last night I couldn’t sleep, I just wanted Lee home to hold me, rub my legs, my neck, and back, to chat with, to hug, to kiss, to just be here with me. I sent him emails; I sent him texts until 3 a.m. I just couldn’t relax last night. The last email I sent him was so very raw for me, maybe I was just exhausted, I had just returned from a weekend away. I meant what I said but to really just come out and tell him was very out of the ordinary for me.

honey

I just really miss you and now I am scared that I am loving you too much and our life. I know it is crazy sounding but I really am kind of scared I feel like I have given my whole heart to you. It scares me to death, I always kept myself somewhat protected and now I feel like there is nothing protecting me and my heart. My heart is so fragile, you really have no idea. I am terrified right now I can’t sleep. Then I feel like damn he is not going to want me being needy like this. Heck! I wouldn’t want me like this. I am so confused, scared, and just crazy. I know you love me. I know that without a doubt, I am just feeling needy AGAIN!

Lee

 I don't want you to be scared. I have to tell you that this is the ABSOLUTE best I have ever felt about us. You are NOT crazy!!!  You have finally relaxed, you are adjusting to me being the leader, the one you can lean on, to cry on my shoulder, to be held within my arms when you are scared or nervous. I do not consider this as needy. It makes me feel wonderful and EXTREMELY loved that you do need me. You are my girl. I love you more deeply today than I ever have. I can’t wait to see where our journey takes us. I NEVER have had a doubt about us. You are confused because you are letting go. I do not look at this as a sign of weakness. It is actually the opposite...it takes much strength and courage to let yourself go. I Love You!

honey

 I wish u were here to hold me, try and make me go to bed, heck sp*** me, something anything dang I need you!

Lee

I need you too and I know I need to be there. You do need to be spanked to bring you out of this little spiral. 

                 After thinking about this, struggling throughout the day to keep it together. I do have some positive thoughts. I am not needy, I am strong. I have grown so much, letting my walls down, allowing my feelings to show, the raw honesty, and just truly being me. Letting my Lee know how much I love & need him. By doing that I am sure he feels much more love. I might not be the best tih (and you can bet I never will be) but I am learning how to let my controlled self go and that is nothing short of a miracle.  I am pretty sure Lee would agree. 

O Boy!! I Talk Too Much!!!

          This is a very private lifestyle for us, besides most that know us would never believe it anyway. Well… last night I kinda let the cat outta the bag. I came to visit and watch SEC football with my lil sis. We love SEC football, and our team the Georgia Bulldogs!!! She loves having me here to watch the games with her, most in her state are Roll Tide fans! My sis and I were out having a blast, the bartender has a “Roll Tide” shot so my sis suggested to her to make a “Bulldawg” shot. She did and we drank them, actually we had 4! I don’t drink shots, I hadn’t eaten all day, not a good combination.

          As the night moved on and cheering for our team (even though they lost L) we were having a blast, then something came up about so what are you and Lee up too? You seem so much happier. I had told her in July we were trying a different lifestyle that was working for us, but that is all I said. Well, after too many drinks, no food, and 4 shots, she kept asking. I told her I just can’t tell you, I have friends I talk to about this. She said you are talking to strangers but you can’t talk to me! I explained this is just too personal.

She kept on and on, in her cute lil pushy way, we are so much alike!! I just started talking a lil, saying well he is the leader of our home now. She doesn’t ever give up, she was asking so like what I know you are not swingers, BDSM? I just kept hem and hawing around finally I said, I think I like sp******, but not the bad kind!! She lol and said what is the bad kind? Then she was like he punishes you? She actually said I get it! She said I bet most of these women you speak to are like us strong women, maybe executives, high pressure jobs, leaders of some sort. I said not talking anymore! She let it go.

          This morning she was full of questions, she is my wild lil sis but I just had a hard time telling her, I knew she would never understand. We have both always been very strong, independent, don’t let any man ever tell us what to do women. I vaguely told her I have met some people in chat, showed her a couple of blogs just briefly and just left it at that. She wrote down the name of the blogs, then she saw my name (chat name). O my !!! What have I done????

Anxiety!! Really? Me?

          Me rambling again! Lee is gone I am home, feeling kinda lonely and just all twisted up inside. I have always been a very independent person actually my whole life. It has never bothered me much when Lee traveled, at first of course it did some, but then I just became used to it. Didn’t really think twice about it when he was gone, he has always been able to work his schedule around anything that might be important for him to attend, and there has really been nothing I couldn’t handle. So why this feeling of anxiety? I had it the last time he left but only a day or two.

          The day he left it started, just a lil bitty uneasy feeling inside creeping up but then I could shoot it back down, Saturday morning it started again… so I decided a little retail therapy might do the trick, it was a success. Sunday was a great day stayed busy all day (down time is not good for me). This morning started off great and then a few hours ago that feeling started inching its way out again!!! I don’t like it at all!

          I feel very needy, emotional, lost, and lonely. I feel my heart racing, I can feel this weight on my chest, I feel like I just want to run or scream. It doesn't make sense. I talk to him twice a day even text some, and sometimes might see him in chat. This just needs to stop, like now already! I cannot become this kind of person.

          A dear friend reminded me that at my age (I am no spring chicken) even though most days I feel much younger than I am, that my body is going through so many changes right now. I am really hoping that this is what is causing the anxiousness I am feeling because I don’t want the cause to be Lee traveling. That makes me seem just too dang needy.

          I do miss him terribly and I hate arriving home to an empty home, I used to love that alone time so much, I actually cherished it when I had it. Now it seems I just want to be with him, I don’t need my alone time like I used to.

          Is this a good thing? I want to be with my husband, I want him here to hold me, hug me, kiss me, talk with me, and yes if I deserve it even sp*** me! Is this a bad thing, have I become some needy, emotional, crazy? I am not sure yet good or bad, but I am sure glad I miss him, and I know he misses me too!!!

"Spanking"

          Yes, I said it, now how in the world do you ask for it??? I am probably going to be all over the place writing this so I apologize in advance. As some of you know I recently started a new job and I am so happy to say I think so far I actually love it! The hard part is when I get home, so many things to do just normal things but I am used to having some down time or “me” time is what I like to call it.

          Today was very busy and got off to a terrible start. I was almost late for work because I couldn’t get Lee’s dog in the car to take to the vet, finally he got in. Then things just kept getting worse, traffic, phone never stopped ringing at work, went over my count, knowing Lee is leaving for 3 more weeks in a few days, etc. I could go on and on.

          I am grouchy I am stressed (when things don’t run smoothly I get a lil outta sorts). How in the world do I think or know a sp****** might help relieve some of this pressure I feel? How come he doesn’t see that I need one? Must I tell him? I don’t want to tell him, I want him to know. I know I have heard it a million times they are not mind readers, but can’t you feel my stress by the way I am acting, I am polite but quiet, I have short answers, not to be rude, I just don’t feel like talking. I am kinda just by myself, sometimes I need that time and sometimes I need him to know I need him. Why is it so hard for me to tell him?

          I don’t seem to have a difficult time telling him anything else whether he wants to hear it or not. I am not good at keeping anything bottled up for very long, and if I do well eventually I just explode.

          Last night we had a conversation, he said to me, “honey, I can read you like a book”. He gave me many examples of how well he does read me. But tonight he didn’t read so well! I know he is busy getting ready for his trip, I know he has much on his mind. I am trying to be understanding and patient, I don’t even think he realizes how much my patience has improved in the last seven months. Well, maybe he has, if I were him I would have noticed!

          I love how this lifestyle has brought us closer together, we talk more, we listen more, we are much more affectionate, we both feel closer than we ever have before. I just wish I didn’t have such a hard time expressing this sp****** part to him. I have grown so much over the last several months maybe as time goes by I will get more comfortable and be able to ask, or maybe just maybe… he will just know!!!! Yep, that’s what I am hoping for, I want him to just know!

Let’s Make A Deal!

It has been awhile since I have blogged. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say because I have so many feelings, emotions, and things on my mind, I just don’t know where to start. Like today for instance…

          Many of you know one of mine & Lee’s goals is for me to quit smoking, omgosh it is so difficult. I am allowed x number of cigarettes a day. It is decreased by one a week. If I go over the specified amount then I am “in trouble”. BIG TROUBLE.

          Well, I went over, so I am due AGAIN, I just got “in trouble” on Friday actually that was what Lee called my final installment payment for the times I went over when he was out of town. There is no way I could have been sp***** that many times and walked the next day, if we didn’t do it in installments. We have to work around our princess’s schedule and she has been home quite a bit lately, lucky me! J

          That sp****** was the worst ever!!! No warm up that time, none at all. He said I keep breaking our agreement (by accident of course) and needs to give me something to remind me that going over my limit has a consequence one that I should not forget.

          Tonight she will be leaving and he said we will take care of your “count” as he calls it later tonight. I begged, I pleaded, I asked can we just not, I don’t think I can handle this again so soon. He looked at me with that cute grin he always has and said, “Let’s make a deal, I won’t sp*** you, if you will go the next two days, lowering your count by 1 each day, but if you go over you are getting sp*****! Plus 10 more for not sticking to the deal.”

          No way! I can barely keep within my limit now and to decrease it more… well that’s just absurd. Why would I take a chance to get 10 extra??? Nope not me! So I will take my sp******, like a big girl, well probably not really. I will ever so slowly walk up the stairs, I will beg, I will jump up & down, I will ask can I just leave my panties on, and then I will eventually get into position. OUCH!!!!!!

          Lee reminds me consistency is extremely important and he is bound and determined to be a consistent HOH! Yes dear, I know consistency is important but can you just not be so consistent this time???? 

Refined honey???

         I was encouraged by my friend today to post on my blog. I have had so many emotions since last night that I am just not familiar with. Some of you know that Lee travels and has for the past 12-13 years. Started out as once in the spring, and once in the fall for around 3 weeks sometimes a little longer. I slowly got used to this, when our children were younger I was fine the first week, second week a little tired, and by the third week I was getting mad. It was hard getting them to their different functions many times and I needed a break. Lee has always been a very loving and involved dad so it made it more difficult when he was away. Then last year he traveled the most he ever had. He was gone over 100 days between October and June. I quit counting after 100! I had grown quite accustomed to his traveling as a matter of fact after our children were older it really didn't bother me at all. Like not at all.

          That now brings me to today. I couldn’t sleep last night last time I looked at the clock it was after 2:30 then of course I wake up before 7:00. I started to feel like the walls were coming in on me. I just want to get away from here.

Lee called and we talked for awhile before he was going to bed. He wanted to know an answer to one of the rules I am supposed to be following then he proceeded to tell me I was going to start having a bedtime. WHAT? You have got to be kidding! I let him know I didn’t like this idea and asked why? He said he doesn’t have to give me a reason but I will not be staying up until 2:00 a.m. during the week. That kind of made me mad but I know he is right.

          Later I have no idea why, but I just start crying I mean sobbing like a baby. Now this is not my normal character at all, I rarely cry and if I do I have it under control.  This was not the case today I could not stop. I wanted him here, I wanted him with me, I wanted him to take care of something he needs to take care of. I was mad at him for not being here, I was mostly mad at myself for crying like a baby. I was feeling “needy” I am not needy what is wrong with me????

          After talking with a friend she said some things to me that made me think. This is a “good” thing. She said many helpful things but these are a few that resonated with me, “honey, you finally dropped your guard, your - I can do it myself and don’t really need anyone mentality, you have realized your position you are a strong woman who needs her strong man, you feel lost and scared.”

          I feel better now and all my friends helped me get through a rough day that I had no idea I was capable of having. It has turned out to be a good day after all. Lee is what keeps me centered and accountable. I crave his control & dominance. I need him and most of all I love him.

I love my DD marriage and my DD community!

I love our DD choice… yes our choice that we decided together to incorporate in our marriage of almost 23 years. One of the BEST decisions we have made for us!

I no longer feel like I am in control of everything (I didn’t want to be). I also do not feel like I have to act like the “tough” girl and keep my emotions or worries buried anymore.  Lee has always been very loving, caring, and compassionate, but in my mind before we made this choice I felt deep within that I had to be able to handle anything with no one’s help. I never wanted to seem weak in any way whatsoever. I am not sure why I felt that was a sign of weakness, but I always chose to be one who could do it all on my own.

Since starting DD, as we are still “new”. We are closer I believe than we have ever been before, we are much more open and honest about our feelings, especially me.  I have a new respect for him as the leader in our home. We both go the extra step now to take time for one another, not to mention the intimacy level we now have, the stronger desire for one another even after almost 23 years. I feel closer to him than I believe I ever have.

The friends we have made in this community are absolutely amazing! I cherish them, I have learned so much from most of them. I have grown to care & love them; I look forward to chatting, texting, and speaking with them on the phone daily. We support one another, give advice, and sometimes we just listen, we are there for one another because we care.

 I have needed this, my whole life.  I am so blessed to know the man I married can be the man of the house that I personally need. We discuss most everything; he likes and wants my opinion. He also knows when I do not get an opinion (that would be when I have broken a rule that we agreed upon). I understand this… might not like it at the time but am so very thankful afterwards that he was “the man” and did whatever he saw fit to do. I am a very strong woman and I know it takes a very special strong man to keep me in check.

 I love my DD marriage and my DD community!

Not Spanking Brand New??

            It has been awhile since I have posted. There has been much going on with our new life together. And for the most part it has been wonderful. I had been visiting my family for several days before Lee came.

          When Lee arrived after I had, one of his first questions was “Honey, how are you doing on your smoking?”  Mmmmm… with my sweetest smile I replied, “pretty well”, a lie, he knew it was a lie. Well he has stepped into this new role of HOH with really no problem, he made it quite clear from his actions, I will start now taking him serious on this and it is not a game to him. I got it, I really got it.  I actually spoke with some of my wonderful chat friends, asking how do you make it stop burning and why does it still feel this way after so long? They offered solutions on how I could try and become more comfortable. I am so grateful for my friends.

 A few days later I thought I am going to play the perfect little joke on my Lee. I was giving Lee the best massage (we both love massages). I was using lotion on his arms and back, as he was lying there so relaxed. I had a “special” cream I had purchased, I slowly and quietly started massaging this cream on his backside, well he didn’t say anything, so I applied more, same thing didn’t say anything, so again I applied a lot! Well then he said what kind of lotion is that? I couldn’t contain myself I busted out laughing! Replying in my most innocent voice, “maybe you are having an allergic reaction to it”. He said, “Great little trick Honey” and seemed okay at first. I ended up getting it on my face, had difficulty putting contacts in the next day, even though I washed my hands at least 10 times. Well I will just say he was very, very uncomfortable the rest of the night even into the next day. He didn’t think it was a cute lil joke anymore. Uh Oh!

After leaving my family’s we headed to our favorite place the beach! Just the two of us, first time in so many years we have had a week together alone. This week has been so wonderful; we have grown so much together. I am learning to open up more by starting our sit down discussions.

I have to admit I can be a little sassy well sometimes a lot sassy, Lee decided one night he had enough. Uh Oh!

Well we have neighbors right next door to us they are in a tent. Yes we are in a nice trailorminium (lol), but face it the walls are thin. I begged I pleaded please, please don’t, they will hear I know they can hear. He didn’t seem to care well actually it was quite obvious he didn’t care who heard. I said, “I didn’t mean it, I was teasing, I am still learning, I am new to this!” He let me know real quickly, “Honey you are not brand sp****** new anymore!” Afterwards he held me, he applied the “good” lotion and said, “Yes Honey we are new to this lifestyle but you are not new to sp****** anymore.”

I have not been able to look in the direction of our tent neighbors since that night, I am so glad they left today. Now I just need to stay out of trouble a couple of more days, so the new neighbors don’t hear anything.

I have to admit it, I was pretty impressed afterwards that he didn’t care who heard and just did what he thought was right, I had no control and could not sway, bribe, or manipulate him at all. How or Why in the world did I ever doubt my Lee could be my HOH?? Wow, we have come a long way.

Sorry such a long post, I just had so much to say.

My Chat Family is the BEST

We have found the most wonderful place to chat with like minded people. This is not something I can just talk about with my friends or family, they would never understand. I am not even sure how I stumbled upon the chat room, and I really don’t know how I got the courage to chat on it. I had never chatted before heck I wasn’t even sure what a blog was! The people we have met and chatted with have all been so helpful and supportive to Lee and I. There are people that have been living this lifestyle for years, some practicing it for a little while, some just beginning, and some wanting to begin. Regardless of how long, married, single, same sex relationships all of the people I have chatted with have been nothing but just wonderful. A friend I chat with quite a bit suggested I post a chat Lee was having with a woman “G” who wanted to bring this lifestyle up to her husband but was apprehensive about it. I was out of town when they chatted but “my friends” emailed me the chat because they liked hearing his perspective and that he was opening up and trying to help “G”.

Lee: If I may, I would like to share our story ...

Lee: Honey is very strong willed. So am I, but chose to focus it on work 

Lee: there is no need to have two chiefs in the household. I chose to sit back, and be strong at work 

Lee: Honey at the time and I think for most households feel the mom is the control center 

Lee: for our children, we needed compromise 

Lee: it’s tough, you don’t want to mix messages. We try like all families 

Lee: unfortunately during this time you tend to grow apart focusing your lives around your children...all intentions well intended 

Lee: but, unfortunately you do not nurture your own relationship. You get married cuz she is the one! Oh my, she is my life. That is a whole different story 

Lee: then as usual time goes by in a flash and you lose touch with the very person you wanted to begin this life with and grow old with 

Lee: so, in my life I buried myself in my work. I have to admit and not afraid too, I am damn good at my job 

Lee: unfortunately and not intentional it required Honey to be the head of our family. I traveled and lived out of the country 3-4 months out of each year for the past 11 years! 

Lee: not necessarily great for a family other than financial.  I’m very successful, but lost sight of the true importance of our life 

Lee: Honey told me twelve hours later from a three week trip on Sept. 30^th that she was not happy and needed more, she wanted a separation. WOW, i was immune and did not see this coming as I became complacent and just expeced 

Lee: She did not share at that time what and how she felt 

Lee: It took another agonizing four more months and another trip to out of the country before she finally opened up to me n Feb of 2013. I at the time had just about given up 

Lee: she was driving back from a getaway which was regular at the time and hated coming home to a house that was empty! 

Lee: it was strong of her to share this and all I could do was cry and not let her know my weakness. I told her I wanted to talk and hear the truth when she got home. Had to hear it face to face 

Lee: we talked for hours. She told me all of the feelings, websites, etc and it floored me. 

Lee: Honey s my world and completes me in so many ways I owed her the respect in return. 

Lee: She sent me countless emails with hyper links, I read and reread 

Lee: researched as much as I could 

Lee: I ended up going on yet another out of the country trip for 3 more weeks in April and extended to four weeks while there. During that time, she continued to send Hyperlinks and I would print and read....re-reread 

Lee: We talked daily, about us, the forums, the chat rooms and how important it was to her 

Lee: I was compelled by her will and energy. She was my energy. My Life and my future. 

Lee: We are where we are because of her strength to share G 

Lee: I hope this resonates and helps u somehow. 

Lee: Okay all, I am done spilling my guts! 

Lee: G, What I did not share was that I thought all was lost and was destined to divorce

I am happy to say “G” has been talking to her husband about this change she would like to pursue in their marriage. Not because of what Lee said but because of something she feels deep inside. I do believe though the people in our chat family helped by giving her support and encouragement. I just LOVE my chat family!!